"Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grand-children and others throughout the generations. Remember, the Savior chastised those who failed to record important events." --President Spencer W. Kimball

September 16, 2011

New Home

I actually have so many things I want to blog about....like Mone's preschool....him turning 5 years old, his birthday party.....but I'm gonna have to put that on the backburner for a couple days so I can get caught up on the latest pregnancy drama and scare.  This past couple days has probably been the scariest of my life...and I'm going to just try to blog on a daily basis of all the things that are going on....my stats, the positives and negatives....just everything!  It'll just help me release and vent and also remember what happened years down the road when I go back to reminiss.

Monday September 12th
Let's backtrack a little bit, Sunday night I had a hard time sleeping....I felt extremely hot and uncomfortable.  No cramping or anything like that, just really uncomfortable.  I tried really hard to just fall asleep, but couldn't kick the feeling.  At about 4am I got up to take a shower hoping that would cool me down cause I felt so hot.  It worked a little bit, enough to let me sleep for a bit.  Ova got home from work...came in and kissed me and got ready to sleep.  I had a Dr's appointment scheduled for 9:30am....and I got up to put my phone in my hand so my alarm could go off.....but I didn't hear it.  I finally woke up at about 10:20am and I called my Dr to let them know I missed my appointment and to see if they still wanted to see me.  Because I'm so high risk and have been having so many complications....they told me to just come in and they'd squeeze me in.  I knew Ova was so tired from just working his graveyard shift so I didn't want to wake him up.  Makai asked me if he could come with me.....and I let him just so he could keep me company.  Plus this was just supposed to be a regular check-up....not the dramatic thing it turned out to be. 

I've been having some issues with my Dr since everything that's happened....I really think it's just a clash of personalities.  He's a great Dr, but he doesn't talk that much and he doesn't comfort me like I need to be comforted.  I am a little high maintenance and I need the reassurance or comfort, and I just wasn't getting that from him.  The appointment was just regular, they weighed me...I lost 2 more pounds, I peed in a cup for them to check my protein level and it was all blood so they couldn't test it....he didn't seem too worried about it because these things have been happening since I was 13 weeks....so for a couple months.  I laid on the table and he immediately found her little heartbeat, and it was beating nice and strong.  That made me feel so much better!  I don't know why, but I got really emotional during the appointment.  I wanted to let him know how I was feeling without hurting his feelings so I told him how scared I was.  I felt really bad because I totally broke down and Makai was sitting there so worried, not knowing what was wrong with me.  I told my Dr that I feel like nobody is giving me any answers.  I've been bleeding for months now and I feel like nobody is doing anything about it or at least their not letting me in on what's going on.  I mentioned to him that I've been in the ER like 10 times in the last couple months and had so many ultrasounds and bloodwork and everything done, but I still feel like nothing.  My Dr told me right after I lost baby B that he would just treat me like I was only ever pregnant with one baby.  That hurt my feelings and I didn't like that he said that.  He said that I'm high risk but he still only sees me once a month.  I told him I needed more.  He told me that I had two options.  I could either go back to IMC hospital to the maternal fetal medicine (specialists) to do another ultrasound...or I could schedule an ultrasound in his office.  Obviosuly I wanted to go to a specialist....going to his office would still just leave me with more unanswered questions.  He scheduled me for an ultrasound with MFM at the IMC hospital at 1:30pm that same day.

Since my Dr appointment didn't end until like noon, I decided I would just take Makai to lunch and then we'd go straight to the ultrasound before we went home.  I texted Ova just to let him know what was going on, but I didn't want to wake him up since he just got off work.  Makai wanted to eat McDonald's so we just went through the drive-thru.  We ordered and got our food and as I was driving off I started feeling really weird cramping.  All the sudden, a HUGE gush of blood came out.....I immediately pulled over and got out of the van and stood there for a good 2-3 minutes while the liquidy blood just gushed out of me.

I took this quick picture with my phone...this does no justice...the puddle was actually huge and it ran into the gutter and down the street....gross, I know!
My feet

 I was freaking out and poor Makai was sitting there watching all the blood, watching me crying, crying himself not knowing what to do.  He grabbed my phone and kept screaming.. "mom, what's the number to your Dr?"  "do you want to call the hospital?"  "Mom, are you dying?  Is the baby dead?"  I was completely panicing and I could tell Makai was so worried...I told him to just wait we would run home and get Ova.....I called and woke up Ova crying hysterically and told him I needed to come and get him.  He didn't ask any questions, he just said ok.  As I was driving home, still crying...I looked over and Makai was sitting there folding his arms just praying his little heart out.  That's the first thing that comes to his mind when he's put in situations like that....I'm so glad he believes and knows the power and importance of prayer!  I don't think Ova really knew what to expect when I got home to pick him up.  On the way home I called my Dr's office and asked them what I should do, they said to go straight to labor and delivery at the IMC hospital....and that they would call them and let them know that I was coming.

I didn't have anything at all in the van to sit on....so I just had to get back into the van.  I felt bad because seriously, there was blood everywhere!  The floor was covered, I got blood on the door, and the seat was completely soaked.  When I pulled into the yard, I just called for Ova to come....I didn't even take time to go in and change and shower....I just wanted to get to the hospital already.  Ova's dad was there eating breakfast with Ma, so I went in long enough for Ova and his dad to give me a blessing and then we left.  I got a huge beach towel, folded it in fours and put it on the driver seat so Ova's pants wouldn't get all bloody....and I got a big towel for my side of the van.  We got to the hospital and when we got out, even with a beach towel folded four times, Ova still stood up and had blood all over his shorts....the seat was so soaked that it went through the layers of folded towel, all over his shorts and on his garments.  On my side of the van I soaked through the towel and it still got over the seat.  My goodness. 

When we got to the labor and delivery....they were already expecting me.  I walked in and in just the couple minutes I stood at the desk to check in, I dripped blood all over the floor....it just kept coming.   They put me in a wheelchair, took me to a room...helped me get all my bloody clothes off....which is where they found this gross and disgusting liver-like blood clot...this really scared me because it looked like an organ or something.....they said it's just a lot of blood that had been clotting and they didn't think they saw any tissue in it....but these gross things, along with tons of blood just kept coming out of me.
they took my vital signs, brought in a small ultrasound machine to make sure she was still alive, hooked me up to the machine that monitors her heartbeat....and gave me an IV.  Everything happened so quickly.  I really needed to go to the bathroom but they didn't want me getting out of the bed and so they came to put a cath in.....I HATE THOSE!  As soon as she put it in, I started having contractions.....and serious ones.  I think it just irritated even more what was already being irritated and it was just too much.  I was cramping and contracting really bad.  They had me on the monitor, and the monitor wasn't picking up the contractions....but there was no denying they were there.  Normal contractions happen at the top of the uterus, which is where they put the monitor....but I was feeling the tightening at the bottom of my uterus.  Come to find out, my Baby B is on the top....but since she's gone, there is nothing showing on the monitor.  My baby A is on the bottom, and that is where I was feeling the contractions.  They moved the monitor to my lower uterus and immediately they started picking them up....and they were pretty close together.  Even with the contractions and all the bleeding, her heart was still beating strong in the 150's......she's a little fighter, that's for sure!  They wanted to take me from the labor and delivery up to the maternal fetal medicine office so the perinatoligist could do a more indepth scan of me.  They put me in a wheelchair to take me there and I was in so much pain because of the stupid cath.  I just wanted it out.  During the whole scan I was in pain.....everytime the Dr would push on my stomach it would kill me!  On top of all that, they didn't give us the reassuring news we wanted to hear.  The perinatalogist was worried that my water had broken because there was hardly any amniotic fluid around my baby.  They couldn't tell for sure if the low fluid was due to my water breaking or if it was just low because I had lost so much blood.  I immediately got so scared.  I asked her questions like what happens now, can a baby live inside the womb if the water has already broken?  They said yes, but it's very high risk and that meant that I would be staying in the hospital for the long run.  At least until they can get my bleeding under control, or until they can figure out what's going on.   The perinatalogist left the room for a minute and my contractions continued and were so painful and so extrememly strong.  I wanted the cath out of me!  When the Dr came back in I asked her to please take it out....she gave me permission to have the nurse take it out when I got back to the labor and delivery.  As soon as she took it out, I felt so much better!  But the contractions were still there.  They were so intense and consistant that they actually got so close to being only a minute and a half apart.  I couldn't get any relief.  So many people came in and out of my room, Dr's and nurses, people to draw my blood....so many people!  My contractions kept coming and so the labor and delivery doctor along with a perinatalogist specialist came in to check me.  I had dialated to a 2 in that short time I was there....that was NOT GOOD!  Honestly, even with all the bleeding and cramping and all the drama that was going on, I was unusally comforted.....I know it was just because of the prayers and thoughts on my behalf, and also the blessings I've received.  I was scared and worried, but I don't think I ever thought that I would lose my baby A.....not until the Dr's came in and had the very dreaded conversation with us.

That conversation was really hard.  The Dr's were very blunt, which was nice because they told us everything we needed to know and what to expect.  On Monday I was only 23w2d along....not even the 24weeks that you have to be to have a viable baby.  They came in and told us that with everything that was happening it looked like she was going to come out.  They wanted to let us know that she's so small right now, and if she was delivered at this stage....her likeliness of surviving was very slim.  They said it would actually only be close to a 10% chance of surviving the labor and birth, and if she did fall into that 10%.....there would only be a 1-2% chance of her developing normally or even surviving the NICU stay.  It was all too much information to take in.  I lost it and completely cried...that was just something I didn't want to think about.  They sent in the specialist from the NICU to let us know what to expect if she were to come out today.  Obviously the news was not good.  She told us that since my baby is so small, she's not fully developed.  She talked about how many risks there were involved in a baby being born that early and wanted to know where we stood as far as how much we wanted them to do to intervine to help her live.  She said the main things they were worried about was her brain not being developed enough so she could have brain bleeds, her lungs not being developed enough so she would have a hard time breathing...they could put a breathing tube in to help her, but the longer it's in the more scaring it does, which is not good.  She said that because baby is still so small there is a large risk of infection, which is very dangerous....it was just one thing after another.  Too much information to take in in one day.  I kept crying.  Ova was strong, but silently crying.  They wanted us to make a decision right then about what we want them to do.  That's just too hard of a decision to make.  The NICU Dr asked us if we wanted her advice, we said yes.  She said that if the baby comes out today and she's fighting to breath and fighting for her life, then yes......they will do what they need to help her out.  But if she comes out and isn't fighting because she's been through too much, she suggests we just hold her and love her and let her go.  I couldn't even think about that, I didn't want to think about that.  I looked over to Ova who was crying silently and he told the NICU Dr that yes, that's what we would want to do......help her as much as we can, if she wanted us to...but we didn't want to make her suffer any more than she already has.  That was our decision....the hardest decision we've ever had to make.

They came in with all these different medications to help force my baby to develop, just in case she came out that day.  They gave me betamethazone, which is a steriod that they shoot into my hip....it's purpose is to strengthen the lungs of the baby....the thing is that they give it in two doses and they have to be 24 hours apart....so they said my goal for now was to at least try to hold on for 24 hours so I could get both doses of the shot before my baby came out.  They gave me magnesium, which was good for two things....it helps the baby's brain so it won't bleed out, and it acts as a muscle relaxer, which hopefully would stop or at least slow down my contractions.  They gave me penicillin because my urine tested positive for strep B....needless to say, I had a lot of medications running in me....and they were doing everything they could to prepare me and my baby.  I was scared!  Thankfully the magnesium they gave me did slow my contractions down a lot.....and after a few hours they were completely gone.  I had signifigantly improved from just a few hours ago and that was such a miracle!  They kept me in the labor and delivery room all night with medications running in me and so they could monitor me.  They told me to try and rest, but it was too much for me and there was no way I would be able to sleep.  My baby didn't sleep at all either....she hates when the monitor is on her and she was kicking it like crazy all night long! 

My little sister Marie came to the ER at about 1am and stayed with me all night long.  I'm so grateful she came, she helped more than she even knows.  Ova was so tired from working the grave shift and then all the drama that we'd been through so he was sleeping on the little couch area in the delivery room.  She sat and talked with me from like 1am until 6am and she helped keep my mind off everything that was happening.

Tuesday morning things had calmed down a whole lot and so the Dr's came in and told me they thought I was stable enough to go up to my own room.  That was great news to me.  When I got to my room, the nurse came in to greet me and she said that the only goal she had for me was to Keep Baby in as long as possible.  That was the goal!

1 comment:

Tina Tuakoi said...

Continually praying for you and baby!! So happy to hear things are getting better, and they're able to monitor you more closely being that your staying at the hospital. We love you guys!