"Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grand-children and others throughout the generations. Remember, the Savior chastised those who failed to record important events." --President Spencer W. Kimball

February 22, 2012

Lonely

They told me that the virus baby had would peak at day 5 and then get better, but today makes day 7 and yesterday and today have been horrible days for my poor baby girl.  Yesterday she just wasn't acting like herself, she was super out-of-it and irritated.  She had a lot of flem in her throat, you could hear it when she cried....and she was probably just irritated at that, and that the only way to get rid of it was for them to stick a tube down her nose all the way to her throat to suck it out....and they do that every hour or so.  I think I'd be miserable if they did that to me too!  She still had her appetite, but she wasn't eating nearly as much as she usually does.  I fed her a little bit, but after a few minutes, she started pushing the bottle out of her mouth with her tongue....she was so mad because she wanted to eat but she couldn't swallow or breathe because she was so congested.  The nurse came in and started to suction her....and that was HORRIBLE!  The food didn't have enough time to get down to her stomach so all she did was suction the milk back up.....baby threw up A LOT....I'd even say more than she just ate.  The sad thing was it not only came out of her mouth, but she was throwing up out of her nose.  So sad!  Her eyes were watering from the trauma of it and she was looking at me with a "mommy help me" look....just then she brady'd and pretty bad.  Her oxygen saturations dropped way down to the 40's and her heart rate was so low.  She was trying to protect herself.  It took turning her oxygen all the way up for her to get out of it.  I was really irritated because the nurse was non-chalant about it, so I asked her to move and I started to rub her back and try to stimulate her.  She finally came out of it and the nurse said "looks like you've dealt with this before"....I was so mad.  I MISS MY IMC NURSES!!  That whole experience totally exhausted her.  She wanted me to hold her all day long.  If I put her down in her bed, she's immediately start crying and getting all fussy.  I pretty much spent the whole day rocking her in the rocking chair.  Poor baby girl.

Today started out horrible!  I woke up to baby screaming bloody murder.  I ran to her crib to see her bright red from screaming so loud...she had kicked all her blankets off of her and she was sweating.  I picked her up and she was so hot.  I pushed the nurse call button to come in and check on her, and when we took her temp, she had a fever of 102.  That was so not good, especially since she hadn't had a fever at all since she got sick with this virus.  She was coughing a lot more frequently....not the deep cough that brought us in, but a tiny cough that came from her little throat, like her throat was irritated and sore.  She was definitely not acting like herself.  Even with all the stuff she's been going through she's such a calm baby.  She pretty much never cries unless she's hungry.  Today was different.  She was super duper fussy and irritated.  She didn't want to eat, she didn't want to be wrapped up, she didn't want to be held or to lay in her bed.  She was sweating.  She just didn't feel good.  Given her history, they were worried she had something else developing so they wanted to do a bunch of tests just to make sure, and they did everything!  They came in and took blood to get a cbc and to check some blood cultures....they took her down to get a chest-xray....and they had to get a urine sample.  The lady that did the urine sample used a small cath and she really hurt her.  She couldn't find her pee hole, and she started to get frustrated.  She started just shoving it in and out trying to force it to go in and baby was screaming out in pain.  I told her to stop because she was hurting her and she was so irritated with me.  She finally got it in, but only got a few drops of pee, with blood in it.  As soon as she pulled it out, baby peed all over the bed.  They didn't get enough so they ended up taping a plastic bag thing to her under her diaper to catch it when she peed the next time.  I wish they would have just done that in the first place...that was so much easier.  I don't know what she did when she was shoving the cath in and out trying to find her hole....but now every time baby pees, she screams because it hurts...and there's a little bit of blood with the pee.  Poor baby. 

Yesterday and today I've been so lonely here.  There are so many nurses and doctors and aid's that come in and out of the room, and we're even sharing a room with someone else, but I still feel alone.  Ova hasn't had time to come up here that much because of work and because his little brother is getting married this weekend and he's busy getting things ready for that.....but he wasn't able to come to the hospital all the time with me when we were at IMC either, but I was never lonely there.  The nurses were my friends.  The feeling in this place is so different.  I feel like I know alot of stuff about my daughter because I spent the last 4 1/2 months in the hospital with her, but I feel like everytime I make a suggestion or comment on something, they get irritated with me.  Maybe it's my fault.....the nurses at IMC were so wonderful, they set the bar so high...and maybe I'm not giving the nurses here a chance.  I don't know what it is, but I know that at IMC I felt like people cared about me, and I know they loved my baby girl.  Over here, we're just patients.  :(

I think I've been lonely too because I haven't seen my kids since the Friday when we got admitted.  I really miss them.  There's so many patients here and the nurses are so busy that I don't feel comfortable leaving her here by herself.  I left for like 20 minutes the other day to take a shower, just in the pod, and when I came back she was crying so hard....she was hysterical like she'd been crying for a long time, and our roommate said she pretty much cried since I walked out the door.....and nobody came in to check on her in that 20 minutes......so I've been sleeping here.  I hate to think she might be left alone crying.  Today my little sister Leka came up to visit her and she stayed with baby so I could go pick up my kids for a couple hours.  I took them to McDonald's and just spent some time with them.  I'm so glad they don't resent or get mad at me for spending so much time away from them.  They understand that baby Katea needs me, and I'm so happy they understand.  As soon as I pulled into the yard, they all came running out the door so excited to see me and they all gave me the biggest hug.  That totally made my day!  I love my kids so much!

When I got back to the hospital, Leka was holding her in the rocking chair and they were both sleeping.  It was so cute!  The results came back from all her tests, and thankfully they were all clear.  But she has a pretty severe ear infection in her left ear.  That's what was causing the fever that showed up this morning.  Tylenol and amoxacillin totally helped and after getting her dose, she was completely back to herself.  What a relief that it wasn't something more serious!

I'm overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support from so many people!  I post on facebook an update on baby Katea, and immediatly I have 60+ comments from people cheering us on, sending us good vibes, showing they care and praying for us.  We are surrounded by so many wonderful supportive people, and I am so grateful.  I have no doubt that it's all the love and prayers from so many people, that despite the minor setbacks she may face, she is doing so well!  So thank you all very very much!  :)

Look at me, even though I'm sick and in the hospital, I'm still growing!  Today I hit 10lbs2oz!

7 comments:

Kalani said...

Stay strong, Monica. I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time. Please know that you're in my prayers and I think of you guys often. Lots of love for you and your little fighter, and I hope she feels better really soon!!

Tina Tuakoi said...

So happy to hear it's nothing more serious. Hope baby Katea starts feeling better soon. We love you guys!

Jenna said...

I'm so sorry you feel lonely. Even though we're not physically there, our hearts and prayers are with you!! Stay strong and Katea will be home before you know it. :)

Aki said...

Get well Baby Katea...and stay strong Monica! I totally teared up when you said your kids don't resent you & were excited to see you....what great kids you have. They are a blessing!! Take care & know that there are many thinking of you....luv ya =)

ANNA BANANA said...

I soo wanna come up there n visit, I'm just waiting for my cold to be done n over with!!! I'm sorry u feel alone, but know that ur Heavenly Father is near u always. Love u Monica, this too shall pass xoxo

The Warrens said...

OOOH Monica, I love you and Katea soooo much! I am sorry you have had to go through this so soon after getting home. I wish I could come visit you & Katea, but we are headed out of town tomorrow. Katea better be home by the time I get back:) I know that PCMC is so different from IMC. I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you to be there with your sweet little girl ill after everything you guys have been through. I am sure if the nurses & doctors got to know you, they would love you as much as we do. Everyone loved you guys, from the clerks to other parents. I want you to know that we think of you guys often & always will. Your family & sweet little (big:) Katea hold a special place in my heart FOREVER. She is a special little girl & I cannot wait to see her grow up! I am glad that she is thriving despite being sick. You are the best mommy & Katea and your other kiddos are LUCKY to have you! Stay strong & I am sending love & hugs to you, Katea, & the rest of the family<3 Charise

shaunita said...

:( Hang in there. I'm so sorry sweet baby girl has to be in the hospital again, and even more sorry that she's not with the nurses that love and know her so well. I hope your stay there ends soon. Don't be afraid to speak up, though. They're technically supposed to value feedback from moms, since you know your baby way better than they do.