I think that's the best word to describe how I feel like every moment of every day.....well, I guess I can officially say that that was a word I FELT (past tense) every moment of everyday. My bathroom countertop is full of all the hospital bands I've worn in just the past couple weeks....from the many trips to the ER and all the complications I've been having. Since I don't do anything but just lay in bed all day long, it's hard not to sit and wonder and think about it. I find myself wondering and sometimes questioning and doubting whether my Baby A is still alive....I question how she can live through all this blood and cramping. A couple nights ago....last Wednesday to be exact, I think I've had the worst day so far. Every complication I was having seemed to double or triple and I was scared. My first thought was to run to the ER again just to hear her heartbeat. Ova was so tired from just getting home from work and he was dead asleep right next to me. I feel so bad for him because of all the stress I put on him and I didn't want to wake him up. I seriously just laid by him and cried as quiet as I could......my mom called me to see how I was doing and I totally broke down to her. I think that I've been handling everything pretty well considering the circumstances, but that day I just lost it. My mom just listened to me cry and cry and complain for a few minutes and then we got of the phone. A few minutes later she called me back and said that she had called the labor and delivery in her hospital (UVRMC in Provo....she's an RN) to tell them what has been going on with me....and to get their opinion on what I should do. They said if I wanted to come down to Provo, the Dr. on call that night, Dr. Warner....was really good and he would come and answer any questions I had. I asked Ova if I could go with him when he went down to work and then my mom would pick me up from his work. Ova told me to just stay home and rest, that I needed to have more faith.......I completely lost it again.......I seriously think I cried probably that whole entire day and even though he didn't want me to go, he let me. We drove down to Provo, my mom met me at Ova's work to pick me up and we headed to the hospital. I, of course, was still crying. We completely bypassed the ER and went straight to labor and delivery....they were waiting for me. They put me in a room and took my vitals and I had to explain all over again what has been going on with me. The nurse got the heart monitor and it took her a while to hear the heartbeat, which freaked me out....but then she finally did. I can't even tell you how much comfort I get from just hearing her heartbeat. That calmed my nerves a lot. A little while later Dr. Warner came in my room. He kinda got the run down of my situation from the nurse and as soon as he came in my room I could feel the compassion in his demeanor and voice.....I felt like he cared, and that was really nice. I don't get that from my regular Dr......which is probably why I'm such a wreck. My Dr. said he needs to monitor me closely and then tells me not come come back for a month.....how is that monitoring me closely?....so annoying! Anyways, Dr Warner was very blunt and forward and even though he didn't tell me for sure that everything was going to be ok, he comforted me a lot. He told me if I wanted to switch and have him be my Dr, I could.....and I would have loved that, but I can't drive all the way to Provo for every appointment and everything. He talked to me for a good hour or so and then he was really worried about my blood levels. I was extremely dizzy and lightheaded and just crying all the time. My blood levels are extremely low. I've just lost so much blood over the past couple weeks. If it goes down 1 more point I'll be anemic.....I'm sure the dizzyness I feel is just from lack of blood. Hopefully it will stop! My mom and I were there for several hours and then I went and slept with her at her house.....Ova gets off work at 730am, so my mom dropped me off at his work so I could come home with him. The previous day was rough....but I was actually feeling better on the way back home! I talked with Ova about what the Dr said and told him that just hearing her heartbeat and knowing she's still alive and fighting comforted me so much. I needed to hear it!