"Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grand-children and others throughout the generations. Remember, the Savior chastised those who failed to record important events." --President Spencer W. Kimball

August 10, 2011

Devistated...

I argued with myself over whether I really wanted to blog about this, but I think that getting it off my chest will help me vent and accept what has happened.

Yesterday was supposed to be a super exciting day, a day that we'd been waiting for for a few weeks now.  We had an appointment scheduled for 9am to find out the sex of our babies.....we were so excited and had talked about it several times.  Ova thought it would be one of each, and I just don't have a feeling I'm having a boy, so I thought 2 girls.....I had a Dr appointment the day before, just a regular check-up and the Dr measured me and everything seemed fine.  He had a hard time trying to find their heartbeats, which worried me, but then finally did.  He told me Baby A's was 156 and B's was 150.  He asked me if I was still bleeding and I told him I still had spots of blood here and there when I went to the bathroom, but no blood flow and not even enough that I had to wear a pad.  And it wasn't red at all, it was actually more brown than red.  He seemed really happy with that info, even though it obviously would be better if there were no bleeding or spotting at all.

Ova works graves, and doesn't usually get home until like 830 in the morning.  Since our ultrasound was at 9, he just came to pick me up and we went.....we were sitting in the waiting room for like 20 minutes waiting anxiously to be called back.  We talked about what we would name them and had pretty much come up with names for both girls and boys. 

Finally we get called back.  The ultrasound tech starts doing her thing and scans baby A.  The heartbeat was 137, a lot lower than the day before...but she said that was nothing to worry about, it was probably just sleeping.  The heart was beating and it's measurements were right on track.  Then she moved over to twin B.  She only scanned for like a minute and then she left the room so quickly.  It was weird.  Ova looked at me and said "She just made me really nervous....I think she couldn't find a heartbeat on baby B"  I told Ova not to worry, that she was still on Baby A and she was just listening to the blood flow or something.  A couple minutes later she walks back in.  She doesn't even start scanning me again, she just hugs me and tells me that legally she's not allowed to say anything because she's not a Dr, but since my Dr wasn't there....she went and called him and he gave her permission to tell us.  She said that baby A was completely healthy and growing like it should....but baby B was dead.  My heart sank and I can't even describe how I felt.  I kept thinking in my mind that she was wrong and that everything was ok.  Ova and I didn't say anything, and we didn't cry either.  The ultrasound tech said we had to go to the IMC hospital maternal fetal medicine department so they could do a more indepth scan, but that she was going to do some measurements just to have something to send to them.  Ova and I are still not reacting at all.  She starts the scan again and I'm praying harder than ever before to PLEASE let it be a mistake.....please let her see baby B's heart beating, and let everything be ok.  It wasn't.  She scanned baby B and it was very obvious at this point that there was no heartbeat and absolutely no movement.  I completely and totally lost it.  Alligator tears immediately came and there was no stopping them....I think I actually made the ultrasound tech cry too.  Ova still had no reaction, he was trying to stay calm.  I wiped all the goop off my stomach and stood up to leave and the ultrasound tech gave me a big hug, and then gave Ova a big hug.  I couldn't really see anything as I walked out of the room because my tears were in the way....I grabbed onto Ova's arm and he just held me tight.  We walked past the nurses station and my Dr's nurse came up and gave me and Ova a big hug too.  Then we left the office and headed to the IMC hospital.  Ova was so strong, he dropped a couple tears from his eyes, but nothing like me.....I completely lost it.  My shirt was soaking wet from my tears, just from that couple minutes of crying.  I can't even explain how I was feeling....an overwhelming and unsurmountable amount of pain and sadness.  I'd had complications this whole pregnancy, but with my weekly check-ups and scans and hearing both little heartbeats and seeing them move around for the last like 3 months......it just seemed unreal.  They've been doing so good, growing and moving....even through all the bleeding.  I honestly didn't suspect anything was wrong.  Ova and I didn't say a word to each other all the way to the IMC hospital.  I just cried and he held my hand really tight. 

We got to the IMC hospital and they were already expecting us.  As soon as I told them my last name they were extremely nice and treated me with almost an "I'm so sorry for your loss" type of service.  We still had to sit in the waiting room for a while to be called back....and we sat in the corner away from everyone else.  I was still crying, hadn't let up at all one little bit since the first ultrasound tech told us the news.  Ova was still strong holding me hand really tight and rubbing my back. 

I think I prayed like a million times asking Heavenly Father to please bring my baby back to life.  The ultrasound at my Dr's office scanned the whole baby B and there for sure wasn't any heartbeat or movement....but I knew that if anyone could fix this it would be the Lord.  I begged and begged for a miracle.  We finally got called back into the room and the ultrasound tech did a quick scan.  She really didn't say one word to us at all.....it was completely quiet and we just watched the scan on the big screen that was in front of us.  As she went over baby B, there was still no heartbeat.  I really was dead.  She got up to leave and told us that she was going to take the images to the Dr to review and that the Dr would be in in a few minutes to go over the images with us and to answer any questions we had.

She left the room and the tears continued to roll down my face.  I looked over to Ova, who was sitting right next to me holding my hand, and tears were rolling down his face too.  We couldn't even talk to each other.  There was nothing to say.  He just kept telling me over and over that he loves me, and I would tell him right back.  That was it.  We cried in silence for the whole 20 minutes until the Dr came in and she basically told me exactly what the ultrasound tech at my Dr's office told me, that baby A was healthy and doing well, and that baby B had passed.  She asked if we had any questions, but we didn't at the time.  She started to scan me and take her own measurements.  She had both little heads right next to each other up on the screen.  It was obvious that baby B's head was a lot smaller.  The measurements showed that it's bones measured 16w4d, which means it's heart stopped about two weeks ago, when it was already 4 months old. 

I told the Dr. I had been bleeding pretty much my entire pregnancy, and was told I had a subchrionic hematoma, but that it was not affecting my babies at all.  I asked her to scan and see if she could see any more clots or bleeding.  She said there was absolutely nothing that was affecting baby A, but the hematoma  was probably the cause of my baby B's death.  Why? 

The Dr went on to tell me that they still needed to monitor me very closely just to make sure that the placenta from baby B doesn't take away any nutrients from baby A.  As long as it doesn't, baby A will continue to grow to full term.

This makes my 5th miscarriage.  The other 4 were in the first trimester, the time that's common for miscarriages, but this time it's just different.  My baby B was fully developed.  I'd heard it's heartbeat probably 20 times and I'd seen it moving and wiggling around for the past 3 months.  It's hard for me to accept that I lost my baby.  I've been crying since 9am yesterday morning....must have been crying in my sleep because when I woke up my pillow was wet around my eyes....and I woke up crying today.  It's just so hard.

When we left the IMC hospital, Ova finally broke down.  He kept apologizing to me that he couldn't keep it in any longer.  He was apologizing because he didn't know what to do to comfort me.  I told him he didn't have to comfort me, we were feeling and going through the same thing.  We just cried together pretty much all day.  I didn't want to talk to anyone....having to explain it over and over was too painful for me.  I just called my mom and asked her to tell everyone else.  Ova handled it a little different, he needed to talk about it so he called all his brothers.  I still feel like I want to hide from the world, I don't really want to talk to anybody....it's just still to painful for me.....the only person I want is Ova....even when he's sleeping or if we're not saying anything, having him next to me makes me feel so much better!

The Dr. told us that I'll carry Baby B until I deliver Baby A.  As baby A gets bigger and grows and develops, B will get pushed to the side, but it will still be there.  When I deliver, if we want, we can see it and even hold it.  It will be tiny, but it's fully developed....and that decision is up to us.  Ova wants to see it, I haven't decided yet....I just imagine it will be too painful.  I guess we still have a few months before we have to cross that bridge.

I am very blessed....I know this post sounds like a pity me session.....but I know I am very blessed.  I have 3 beautiful and healthy children and one of my babies is still alive and healthy.  I know that the Lord has a plan that we can't comprehend and I need to trust in him.  It's just hard. 

I will continue to take it easy for my precious baby A.  We weren't able to find out the sex of it because of everything that happened, but I need to not stress out, for it's sake.  I'm grateful that A is growing like it should and I just pray that everything from here on out will go smoothly.

It'll take me a few days to recover and accept the news we got yesterday, so if you've tried to call or text me, I really appreciate it and I'm sorry for not answering......I just need some time!

14 comments:

Aki said...

Oh Monica. I don't even know what to say but that im so sorry. I can't help stop the tears when reading this post & I'm sure it was hard for you to even type them.... There aren't words that will bring you comfort right now. If there is ANYTHING I can do, please don't hesitate to ask. Trust Him. He is with you. I love ya & my prayers are with your little family right now.

Devri said...

I am so sorry Monica. You are in my familys thoughts and prayers because we know all too well this situation. Ofa lahi atu.. Anytime your ready give me a call/text or fb inbox with any questions you might have or just to talk to someone who had sadly been in your shoes. luff you girl.

Kassie said...

Mon..my heart is breaking for you and your family and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since yesterday! Love you and here for you for anything...xoxoxoxoxox :'(

Tina Tuakoi said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Monica. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May the Lord continue to comfort you in your time of need. We love you guys.

Monika said...

Monica....totally crying here with you! Heavenly Father knows YOUR hearts!! Baby fulfilled his mission and now is watching over baby A. HUGE HUGS FROM FLORIDA!!!

Unknown said...

Mon, I'm so sorry! I can't even imagine what your going through but know the strength that can come from the Lord and the love that you and Ova have for one another. Please let me know you need anything! Love you!

Fred & Shenna Frost said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Monica. :( So sorry for you loss. Miscarriage is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone and I can't imagine how you've been able to go through it so many times. Please let us know if you need anything or even if you guys want to do a family get-together to cheer you up. :) Take care of yourself. xoxo

Sheena Tuakoi said...

Monica, I am so sorry for your loss! You and your family are in our prayers! Please let us know if there's anything we can do. We love you guys!

veronica florin said...

I am so very sorry Monica, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...Veronica

veronica florin said...

I am so very sorry Monica, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family..

shaunita said...

I'm so sorry. What sad news. :(

Brian N Sela Misinale said...

:( Sorry for your loss! I hope and pray everything goes well! Luv you!

Nipa Vea said...

Monica, Im so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my familys thoughts and prayers... take care!!

Wife of one and mommy to two! said...

I'm so sorry! I feel your pain. I pray that the Lord will continue to comfort you in this time of loss. I love you guys!