Puppies

Ova has asked me several times since we've been married if we could get a puppy.....I've always said no!  It's not that I don't like them....I just don't like the mess they make or the work or money that goes into them.  I told my boys that I would buy them some fish and if they could take care of their fish, then maybe we'd think about getting them a puppy.  Well, that didn't go over so well.....not even two weeks after we got the fish, Mone's died.  It was floating belly up on the top of the tank one morning so we had to flush him down the toilet.  Makai's fish, suprisingly, is still alive.....but not at all thanks to Makai....it's only alive because Ova cleans the tank and feeds it everyday.  The boys understood that they failed to take care of their fish so that meant no puppy (yay for me!)

When Kina and Tina moved in, they told us about Tina's brother's dog who just had 9 puppies....and they were selling them.  Again the question came up if we could get one, and I said no.....well, things happened....Tina's brother got a good job in Vegas and his little family was moving asap....so they needed to get rid of the puppies.  Kina talked to Ova and the next thing I know....we've got two little full-bred pit bull puppies at our house.  I have to admit, they are so cute!  Kina brought two...one for his kids, and one for ours.  They named their dog Marley...after that movie Marley and Me....and Makai named ours Strong.  Ova didn't like that name too much so he changed our dog's name to Ziggy.  So now we have a Ziggy and a Marley running around our yard (outside of course) 

When the dogs came, they stunk....I think it was magnified 100 times because I'm pregnant, but that dirty dog smell kills me.  So, on Saturday after we took our boys to breakfast, we went and got some dog shampoo....dog food...dog bowls for them to eat out of....collars and leashes....and some dog toys and bones for them to chew on.  $70 later, we were heading home.  I didn't want to say anything to ruin my boy's or my husband's excitement, but that was a bit more money than we should have or even had to spend.....so I just kept my mouth shut, thinking how I can shuffle the bills to be able to cover this.  We got home and all the kids were so excited to help Ova give them a bath...

Makai and Mone w/ their puppy Ziggy

Baby TiTonga & Moses w/ their puppy Marley

Our little Ziggy nice and clean!

Man, after their bath, they smelt so good....like they just came out of the washer, nice and fresh....no more dirty doggy smell!!

After their bath, Uncle Sau took the puppies and the kids outside for a walk...

Then they cuddled in Kina's lap as Ova and Sau got their game on....haha

Tea found this basketball hoop at a garage sale for $15......Ova's dad came and cemented it in.....all we had to do was buy a $5 net and there you go......the kids play some bball almost everyday....it was fun/funny to see Ova and Sau getting their game on!  The kids were loving it!

After everyone was tired and beat from playing and being outside in the hot sun, we all headed inside....all the kids took a bath while dinner was being made.  Here's Lautala taking a bath in her new rubber ducky bathtub.  I had to run to Walmart to get it because I wasn't about to let her sit in the bathtub that Ova just gave the dogs a bath in.  She LOVES her new ducky tub!  :)

Out of the House!!

My most favorite times now are the weekends....why?  Because Ova is off work!!  During the week sucks because he works graves and then sleeps all day to catch up on his sleep....so the weekeneds are the best because we get to spend time together!!  :)  This past weekend was great!  I was feeling a little better so I talked him into letting me go for a ride with him Friday morning because he had some errands to run.  I didn't do anything but just sit in the van...but I was SO SO happy to finally be out of the house and not just running to the hospital or the doctor's office.....actually going somewhere!  His appointment was in Roy, so it was a little drive out there, but we stopped at a gas station and got some treats and headed out.  I can't believe how much I loved being out of the house...and especially out of my bed!  Quality time with my love is the best!!  We talked on the drive...and I just stared out the window and kept saying how much I love Utah's beautiful mountains, it really is beautiful here!  I love how whenever we ride in the van, anywhere....he always holds my hand....I.LOVE.THAT!!

After the appointment I was a little lightheaded so we grabbed something to eat and just came home so I could lay down again.  I ended up not doing anything at all the rest of that day, but it was ok....I was glad to be out of the house!

Saturday was an awesome day!  I woke up feeling GREAT!  Baby TiTonga had an activity with Hopekids....where they took all the kids to watch the new Spy Kids 4 movie that came out.  Kina took all the boys to the activity last month at Thanksgiving point....so this time it was all about the girls!  Tina woke up bright and early and got her girls ready...and they even took Tea, Ashlee & Lautala!  After I got Lautala ready to go with them, Ova and I decided to take our boys out to breakfast.....we hit up Kneaders all-you-can-eat french toast breakfast....OMG, delicious!  That was the first time Ova had ever eaten their breakfast and he loved it!!  After breakfast we drove around to a couple stores to get some stuff for our new puppies (that is a whole nother post coming up)  we went to the DI to see if we could find a used dog house...but no luck.  I think I might have over-did it a little that day because I was dizzy and lightheaded really really bad in the store.  I had to stop and lean on one of the racks with my head down, and even that didn't help.  I thought I was going to pass out and didn't think I would make it to the car.  I stood there for a minute and then had Makai walk me out to the car while Ova stood in the check-out line.  That was the worst feeling in the world....I hate when my head spins like that.  Sitting down and sticking my head in front of the air conditioner made me feel instantly better.  I think it was just the mixture of standing for too long, losing too much blood, the heat, and the smell of the DI (love the store...but hate the used/old smell)  I sat in the car the rest of the time....and I felt 100% better.  That day was just a family fun filled day!

Better Days

I think I'm finally starting to feel better!  Both physically and emotionally I finally am feeling better!  Honestly, I feel like I've been down and out forever....but looking at the calendar it's only been a little over two weeks....that seems so crazy to me!  Bedrest is such a killer, especially for a person who LOVES to go go go!!  I still have crazy on and off bleeding, but I haven't cramped since last Thursday, so that is so nice!

Today I had another ultrasound appointment...they just wanted to check on Baby A and make sure she was growing how she should be.  I've had a ton of ultrasounds because of all the complications, but I'm definitely NOT complaining because I love every chance I get to see my baby girl.  Another week has passed, which means I officially only have to wait 3 more weeks for her to be viable IF anything were to happen and I had to have her early.  I think I'll be totally comforted when I officially hit 24 weeks.....then I won't be so scared of losing her!  I'm feeling so much better though so I'm not nearly as worried as I have been the past couple weeks.  In the ultrasound, she was rolled up in a little ball.  Her back was facing out and her legs were bent so that her feet were by her head and her little hands were tucked inside.  She was moving around a lot....but I still can't feel it.  My stomach changed a lot since Baby B died....which I thought was weird, but my stomach went down a couple centimeters (which is normal) because Baby B's sac has dried up and is not full of amniotic fluid anymore.  I'm still measuring BIG, but that's normal for me!  :)  The ultrasound tech said that my placenta is on the front of my stomach so I probably won't feel her move for a couple more weeks.  Bummer!  She got the images she could...of her brain and spine and things like that, but the position she was in was just too difficult for the tech to get anything else.  I really wanted to be able to bring home some pictures of her....but no luck on that one...I have to go back in a few weeks to try it all over again.  Another chance I get to see her....I love it!  :)

Paraniod

I think that's the best word to describe how I feel like every moment of every day.....well, I guess I can officially say that that was a word I FELT (past tense) every moment of everyday.  My bathroom countertop is full of all the hospital bands I've worn in just the past couple weeks....from the many trips to the ER and all the complications I've been having.  Since I don't do anything but just lay in bed all day long, it's hard not to sit and wonder and think about it.  I find myself wondering and sometimes questioning and doubting whether my Baby A is still alive....I question how she can live through all this blood and cramping.  A couple nights ago....last Wednesday to be exact, I think I've had the worst day so far.  Every complication I was having seemed to double or triple and I was scared.  My first thought was to run to the ER again just to hear her heartbeat.  Ova was so tired from just getting home from work and he was dead asleep right next to me.  I feel so bad for him because of all the stress I put on him and I didn't want to wake him up.  I seriously just laid by him and cried as quiet as I could......my mom called me to see how I was doing and I totally broke down to her.  I think that I've been handling everything pretty well considering the circumstances, but that day I just lost it.  My mom just listened to me cry and cry and complain for a few minutes and then we got of the phone.  A few minutes later she called me back and said that she had called the labor and delivery in her hospital (UVRMC in Provo....she's an RN) to tell them what has been going on with me....and to get their opinion on what I should do.  They said if I wanted to come down to Provo, the Dr. on call that night, Dr. Warner....was really good and he would come and answer any questions I had.  I asked Ova if I could go with him when he went down to work and then my mom would pick me up from his work.  Ova told me to just stay home and rest, that I needed to have more faith.......I completely lost it again.......I seriously think I cried probably that whole entire day and even though he didn't want me to go, he let me.  We drove down to Provo, my mom met me at Ova's work to pick me up and we headed to the hospital.  I, of course, was still crying.  We completely bypassed the ER and went straight to labor and delivery....they were waiting for me.  They put me in a room and took my vitals and I had to explain all over again what has been going on with me.  The nurse got the heart monitor and it took her a while to hear the heartbeat, which freaked me out....but then she finally did.  I can't even tell you how much comfort I get from just hearing her heartbeat.  That calmed my nerves a lot.  A little while later Dr. Warner came in my room.  He kinda got the run down of my situation from the nurse and as soon as he came in my room I could feel the compassion in his demeanor and voice.....I felt like he cared, and that was really nice.  I don't get that from my regular Dr......which is probably why I'm such a wreck.   My Dr. said he needs to monitor me closely and then tells me not come come back for a month.....how is that monitoring me closely?....so annoying!  Anyways, Dr Warner was very blunt and forward and even though he didn't tell me for sure that everything was going to be ok, he comforted me a lot.  He told me if I wanted to switch and have him be my Dr, I could.....and I would have loved that, but I can't drive all the way to Provo for every appointment and everything.  He talked to me for a good hour or so and then he was really worried about my blood levels.  I was extremely dizzy and lightheaded and just crying all the time.  My blood levels are extremely low.  I've just lost so much blood over the past couple weeks.  If it goes down 1 more point I'll be anemic.....I'm sure the dizzyness I feel is just from lack of blood.  Hopefully it will stop!  My mom and I were there for several hours and then I went and slept with her at her house.....Ova gets off work at 730am, so my mom dropped me off at his work so I could come home with him.  The previous day was rough....but I was actually feeling better on the way back home!  I talked with Ova about what the Dr said and told him that just hearing her heartbeat and knowing she's still alive and fighting comforted me so much.  I needed to hear it!

I found a fetal doppler online.  They are usually hundreds of dollars, but I found one that was on sale for $50.  I was skeptical of whether it worked or not, but all the reviews said it was a really good one.  I told Ova about it and bless his heart, even though we probably couldn't afford it, he let me get it!!  I had it overnighted and I can't even tell you how much it has helped me.  It works like a charm and now I don't have to run to the hospital everytime I get worried, I can comfort myself right here at home!

When I told my mom about getting the heart monitor, she made me promise to only listen to her heartbeat once a day.....she doesn't want me becoming obsessed with having and wanting to hear it all the time, just because I can.......to be honest with you, I gave her a smirk little smile and said yes, but in my mind I was thinking, yeah right, I'm going to listen to it whenever I want.....hahaha.....but actually once a day is enough for me!  It's amazing how much this little device has helped me.  I'm not stressed out all day everyday, and it's taken a lot of worry away from me.  Every night right before we say our prayers and go to bed, I lay on the bed and Ova gets the monitor out so we can listen.  Even though it's such a comfort to me, I know it helps Ova's too....it's just reassuring that she's still ok, even with all the complications!

I don't know if having the monitor has anything to do with this, but I've also been feeling a lot better.  I'm still bleeding, but haven't been cramping.  I can leave the room and go sit in the living room with my kids...and I don't feel like I'm going to pass out.  Things are looking up, I'm feeling so much better and I have hope now that everything with my baby A will turn out ok.  :)

And again...

Before I start this post, I want to put a disclaimer out there.....this blog is for me, it's a way for me to keep track of all the things that go on with my life and my family....even though sometimes they may be bad.  I do it as a journal so I can look back and remember things I would otherwise forget if I didn't write them down.  I don't do it for pity from others or for any other reason.  I have friends and family who genuinely care about me and who like to read what's going on with us.  The reason for this little disclaimer is because I got an anonymous email from someone who is so disgusted with the things I've been blogging about, telling me that I didn't need to share so much disgusting and graphic information.  They told me that nobody cares and that I should keep my blog private so others don't have to be bothered with my "problems".  Honestly when I frist read the email, I cried.  I questioned whether I really should block it or not, or if the content of what I was writing wasn't appropriate.  Well, I came to the conclusion, that whoever doesn't want to know about me or what's going on, doesn't have to read my blog.  I don't do it for you, so if you don't like it....don't read it! >:[  So annoying!

I haven't blogged for a couple days now, and even though I'm on bedrest and don't do anything, I have a few things to blog about. 

Ova works graves and usually doesn't get home until like 830am.  He's always so tired after working that he usually comes straight home and sleeps.  Friday morning was a little different.  I'm used to him walking into the room and giving me a kiss right when he gets home...I guess I subconsiously wake myself up just waiting for it.  Friday morning I woke up and just felt like something was off.  I looked at the clock and it was already past 9am.  Ova wasn't home, or at least he hadn't come to give me my good morning kiss.  I got up to go see if he was home yet and there he was, standing in the kitchen, in his uniform from work...so tired from just working his grave yard shift....making me breakfast.  I'm not just talking a small breakfast, he went all out. 

He made my favorite omelet with spinach, mushrooms and cheese....he made hash browns, french toast, bacon....the works!  He's so sweet and put the biggest smile on my face, even though I felt so bad because I knew he was so tired.  He sat down and ate with me and we talked for a little bit.  I really haven't had much of an appetite lately...pretty much since we found out our baby died....the Dr's told me it was part of my mourning process....I just couldn't believe how I just wasn't hungry, and could go all day without eating anything, or even drinking anything.  He told me that he needed to make sure I ate...not only for me but for our baby A.  I needed to have energy, and hopefully it would help my dizzyness.  He's the best, and I'm so grateful every day for him!  After not eating for a while, I think my stomach shrunk....I couldn't eat all the food he made for me.  I ate what I could and then woke up my food disposal, Filimone to come and finish it!  haha  It was delicious! 

Saturday was a bad day, I bled more frequently and heavier and had more cramping.  The counseler we saw when we went to the maternal fetal medicine counselor said that I didn't need to worry unless the bleeding became more, or bright red, or if I continued cramping.  All those things were happening to me and I was scared.  Ova was gone pretty much the whole day because one of his little cousin's got sealed to his family that day and he was there to support.  I didn't want to worry or freak him out so I didn't call and tell him.  I just prayed and tried to sleep as much as I could.  He got home that night and I told him what went on.  The cramping wasn't as bad that night as it was during the day so I just tried to sleep it off.  This morning (Sunday morning) it happened all over again.  The counselor we saw this past Tuesday was actually a perinatologist (pre-natal specialist) and he told me brown-red blood was ok because it meant it was old...if it went red or bright red, that was bad because it meant fresh blood, which could mean a lot of things including the tear in the placenta getting bigger.  I was freaked out.  Sunday morning I asked Ova to take me to the ER.  And that is where we spent all morning again.  I can't believe how many times I've been to the hospital or to the ER, or to my Dr's office just during this pregnancy....sad to say I'm becoming a regular.  All I really wanted to know was that my baby A was ok.  That was the thing I was freaking out about the most.  If my baby was ok, I didn't really care about all the bleeding or cramping.  They again did tons of blood tests, gave me an IV, did another pelvic exam....all the same annoying stuff, with the same results.  The thing that comforted me the most was hearing her heart beating on the heart monitor.  That honestly has become the most comforting sound in the world to me, and I really wish I had my own heart monitor at home.  Baby A is still doing good, which I am so happy about.  The Dr's told me the same thing that I've heard a million times....that I'm bleeding, there's really nothing we can do about it, but I needed to stay on bedrest....so we continue this boring and lonely bedrest I've been on for so long now.  I will do whatever I have to to make sure my baby is ok!  I'm officially 20 weeks as of Saturday....which means half way there.  They tell me that if I can hold her in until at least 6 months, IF she were to come come, she would have a chance of surviving.....but IF she came out before that, it would be unlikely.  Hopefully I can keep her in and growing until she's due, but worse case scenerio....please at least 4 or 5 more weeks! 

Embarrased

So Lautala was out of milk, and she doesn't like to drink anything else....no juice, no water, no nothing.....just milk.  I felt bad because she didn't have any all day long, so I decided to try and go to the store to get my WIC for her.  I took Makai and Mone along with me, just so they could help me, I'm so glad they did!  We just ran to Smith's because the store is not as long as Walmart and I thought that the closer I had to walk, the better.  We got in the store and started getting everything we needed and I started feeling really dizzy.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I've lost a lot of blood, and haven't really had an appetite the past week, so I'm sure that's why.....and that's why the Dr put me on bedrest.  I had to go to the front of the store and get one of those handicap electric wheelchair carts with the basket on the front.  I was so embarrased!!  But I needed to sit down.  It actually helped a lot!!

I had Makai push the big cart and thank goodness for him, he did all the work.  He filled the basket with everything we needed and then we headed to the car.  He loaded the groceries into the car for me, and when we got home he unloaded the car and put the groceries away for me.  He's such a HUGE help!  Mone on the other hand, is a different story.....I actually wish I left him home....hahaha he wasn't much of a help, he just kept asking me to buy any and every little thing for him.  Their personalities are so different....love them both so much!

I can't believe how much that took out of me.  I don't know what's going on with my body, but I don't like it!

I had an appointment with a counselor at the IMC maternal fetal medicine department yesterday.  I feel like I have a lot of questions about what happened and nobody can give me a straight answer.  I complained about it to my Dr and he referred me to the counselor.....he said that they would be able to give me all the answers I was looking for.  I didn't really know what to expect, but I was actually very very happy that I went.  He did an indepth ultrasound.....checked everything on baby A, made sure the heart was developing correctly and that she has all the correct parts of the brain and heart.  He did a scan of my kidneys and liver and just pretty much anything that could be seen on an ultrasound, he covered.  I explained to him all the crazy symptoms I've been having, and asked him if they were normal.  I asked him if he saw any more blood in my uterus or if he could tell me why my baby B died.  He was excellent.  Obviously a lot of the information he couldn't give me, just because he didn't know....but he was kind and genuine and gave me all the answers he could.  He drew a picture of my uterus and everything that is going on inside me.  It was very very informative and I'm grateful to know.  He told me there is a little tear on the corner of the placenta from the uterine wall, that's where the blood is coming from.  The blood is under the membrane so, just like my Dr told me it's no where close to the babies.  In the scan he saw a lot of scar tissue from my 3 c-sections I've had and he saw a huge clot of blood right at the tip of my cervix.  He showed us how the blood was coming from that tear and collecting in the clot he saw.  He couldn't tell me 100% for sure, but he was pretty sure that it was the tear causing the blood that cause the death of my baby B.  Everything he said made total sense to me.  That would explain why the blood is more brown than red, because it collects in the clot before it comes out.  The contractions I was feeling was my body trying to get rid of the clot.  The good news is that baby A is growing, all her body parts look great and I'm not dialated at all.  I asked him if the blood that was still coming could hurt my baby A.....he said he couldn't tell me for sure, but I needed to take it easy.  He said if my body kept contracting and caused me to go into labor, or if the litle tear became bigger and tore more of the placenta away from the uterus, then it wouldn't be good, but for now he seemed positive.  I'm so grateful for that appointment I had, and for finally getting some kind of information to answer some of these millions of questions I've had in my mind.  He was afraid I might be anemic because of all the blood I've been losing, and becuase I told him I get light-headed when I stand up.  I feel like it's just one thing after another, but I know I'll be ok.  Thank you for all your prayers for me and my baby A....they sure do help!!  :)  Only 3 more days until I'm at 20 weeks....half way there!  Come on Baby A, hang on!

Memories

I was just looking through some pictures I snapped from last weekend when everyone was here for Makai's baptism.  It put a smile on my face when I saw these pictures.  Ova's two little brothers Sau and Po are the favorite uncles.  All the neices and nephews just love them so much and they would do anything for their neices and nephews. 

This night was just a regular night at home.  Both Sau and Po came over and kicked it with the kids......Sau was on one laptop and Po was on another....they were watching youtube videos and listening to music....all the kids were surrounded around them for hours. 

Precious moment. Priceless pictures.

I really am grateful for Ova's little brothers for everything they do for all the kids!  Best uncles ever!

When it rains, it pours!

It's been a weeks since we found out about our little baby B.  Honestly, I needed this whole week to accept and come to terms with it.  I've had a lot of continued problems and complications....3 visits to the ER just this week....contractions, which were so scary....and continued bleeding....but today, I feel so much better!  I'm still on bedrest until all these complications calm down, but today I realized how blessed I am.  I'm sitting here on my bed at 1:18am.....I only have a little corner to sit on because my 3 beautiful kids are spread all over the bed.  They all came in a little bit after Ova left for work and have been keeping me company.  We read our scriptures together, and said our prayers.  My 3 little angels that are here give me so much strength, and I'm so grateful for them.

On Monday last week, the day before we had our ultrasound.....I found out that SkyWest is going to be laying off 170 people.  The sad thing is that I heard about it over facebook from one of my good friends that I got hired with.  I, most likely will fall into that 170 people.  I've worked for SkyWest for 7 years now and I honestly LOVE my job.  I work with great people, have had many opportunities for leadership and advancement.....and I've been able to travel the world.  This is a job I would have kept for my whole life if I could have. 

The way it all came about is super shady, and I'm a little upset with how everything was handled.....I just feel like the hard work we put in, and the performance we gave.....reaching or breaking almost all goals that were set for us, we deserve a little more than just a kick to the curb like that.  I understand that the airline industry is sketchy, and layoffs and furloughs are inevitable.....but I just wish we would have gotten more of a heads up about it than we did.  Delta opened up positions that were hiring in SLC both the ramp and customer service....they had the positions open all week long.  They closed their postings on Friday and we all got the memo through our company email on Monday that there was going to be a reduction in the workforce, AFTER the open positions were closed, so we didn't even have a chance to apply.  I just wish they would have told us a week earlier, or at least worked something out with Delta to let those of us that are getting furloughed have a chance to apply for Delta, or transitioned us over....like we did for them when they laid their people off.  It just doesn't seem fair. 

When it rains, it pours......but I know that after the storm there is sunshine!! 

There were flight attendant interviews and a few people who did get to apply for Delta.....so hopefully with the movement of people, I might have a thread of a chance to keep my job.  Once you've worked for an airline....it's extremely hard not to.  I love the ability to decide last minute to take a trip....to be able to attend all family functions even if they are out of state, or out of the country.  It's been a huge blessing for our little family....in letting us go to Australia, New Zealand, and especially Tonga to meet and see new family and friends, somthing we'd never have been able to do if I didn't work for the airlines.  If I do get let go next month, I will really miss that.  The past 7 years have been great, I've traveled many places, and made many many lifelong friends.  I guess the next month will determine whether or not I get to keep my job.....praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be safe....but if not, at least I do know that the sunshine will come and hopefully I'll be able to find another job that is just as good or maybe even better!  There must have been a reason that I felt so inclined to go back to school when I did!  :)

I was right!

I ended up in the ER all night last night again.  The visit took 7 hours.  I had a lot of weird things happening to my body since we found out that we lost one of our twins, I didn't know if it was in my head....or if it was something serious.  I called the on-call Dr at my Dr's office and they told me to go to the ER.  We had another ultrasound while we were there.  Baby A's heartbeat is still nice and strong, at 155.  We were able to find out that we were having girls!  I was right, I knew it would have been two little girls......now it's going to be one little girl to be best buds with Lautala and one little guardian angel for me and my family.  It's been almost 3 days since we got the news, and I'm still a wreck.....the crying is more sparatic....mainly when I think about it.....but I still feel so sad.  I was talking with Ova about how I can just imagine it's going to be such a bittersweet day when the day comes to deliver.....so happy to welcome another little girl to our family, but so sad because I know I will feel like something will be missing.  Ova just told me to stop it, I can't do that to our living baby.  He's right, but it's hard!

The Dr's were afraid that my body was trying to miscarry Baby B and that's why all those weird things were happening.....if my body does that, it will have no choice but to deliver both, which means I will lose both of them.  I'm put on strict bedrest until further notice.....like for reals strict bedrest!  They said no doing anything at all....just bathroom and the bed and that's all.  The only place I can go is to my Dr appointments, then right back to the bed.  I'm really taking it seriously this time and to be honest, it sucks!  I can hear my kids running around and playing and I keep calling them in every once in a while to give me kisses and hugs....I really need that! 

Ova is the best.  He's my best friend and he's so sweet.  I just love having him around me all the time....I'm pretty clingy when I'm normal...so when I'm going through hard times, it's like 100 times worse......he feels bad because he doesn't know what to do do comfort me, but he doesn't realize that just having him by me makes me feel so much better.  I'm so grateful to have him, he's so strong when I'm such a mess.  He hasn't really had time to sleep...between him working graves and me being so needy, he's so sleep deprived.....but he knows how much I appreciate and love him.

I cried to him last night while we were sitting in the ER, we were talking about how the Lord doesn't give us trials that we can't handle......and I asked him, "why does he think I can handle this, when I don't think I can?"  He told me because I don't have to handle it by myself.....he's here with me and both of us CAN handle this.  He's right. 

Each day gets a little easier......until I have an ultrasound and we have to see Baby B all over again.....then I'm a mess all over again.  I imagine it will be like that for the rest of the time.  I just pray everyday that Baby A stays strong, and that it'll get a little easier to deal with.  And I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for Ova. 

Devistated...

I argued with myself over whether I really wanted to blog about this, but I think that getting it off my chest will help me vent and accept what has happened.

Yesterday was supposed to be a super exciting day, a day that we'd been waiting for for a few weeks now.  We had an appointment scheduled for 9am to find out the sex of our babies.....we were so excited and had talked about it several times.  Ova thought it would be one of each, and I just don't have a feeling I'm having a boy, so I thought 2 girls.....I had a Dr appointment the day before, just a regular check-up and the Dr measured me and everything seemed fine.  He had a hard time trying to find their heartbeats, which worried me, but then finally did.  He told me Baby A's was 156 and B's was 150.  He asked me if I was still bleeding and I told him I still had spots of blood here and there when I went to the bathroom, but no blood flow and not even enough that I had to wear a pad.  And it wasn't red at all, it was actually more brown than red.  He seemed really happy with that info, even though it obviously would be better if there were no bleeding or spotting at all.

Ova works graves, and doesn't usually get home until like 830 in the morning.  Since our ultrasound was at 9, he just came to pick me up and we went.....we were sitting in the waiting room for like 20 minutes waiting anxiously to be called back.  We talked about what we would name them and had pretty much come up with names for both girls and boys. 

Finally we get called back.  The ultrasound tech starts doing her thing and scans baby A.  The heartbeat was 137, a lot lower than the day before...but she said that was nothing to worry about, it was probably just sleeping.  The heart was beating and it's measurements were right on track.  Then she moved over to twin B.  She only scanned for like a minute and then she left the room so quickly.  It was weird.  Ova looked at me and said "She just made me really nervous....I think she couldn't find a heartbeat on baby B"  I told Ova not to worry, that she was still on Baby A and she was just listening to the blood flow or something.  A couple minutes later she walks back in.  She doesn't even start scanning me again, she just hugs me and tells me that legally she's not allowed to say anything because she's not a Dr, but since my Dr wasn't there....she went and called him and he gave her permission to tell us.  She said that baby A was completely healthy and growing like it should....but baby B was dead.  My heart sank and I can't even describe how I felt.  I kept thinking in my mind that she was wrong and that everything was ok.  Ova and I didn't say anything, and we didn't cry either.  The ultrasound tech said we had to go to the IMC hospital maternal fetal medicine department so they could do a more indepth scan, but that she was going to do some measurements just to have something to send to them.  Ova and I are still not reacting at all.  She starts the scan again and I'm praying harder than ever before to PLEASE let it be a mistake.....please let her see baby B's heart beating, and let everything be ok.  It wasn't.  She scanned baby B and it was very obvious at this point that there was no heartbeat and absolutely no movement.  I completely and totally lost it.  Alligator tears immediately came and there was no stopping them....I think I actually made the ultrasound tech cry too.  Ova still had no reaction, he was trying to stay calm.  I wiped all the goop off my stomach and stood up to leave and the ultrasound tech gave me a big hug, and then gave Ova a big hug.  I couldn't really see anything as I walked out of the room because my tears were in the way....I grabbed onto Ova's arm and he just held me tight.  We walked past the nurses station and my Dr's nurse came up and gave me and Ova a big hug too.  Then we left the office and headed to the IMC hospital.  Ova was so strong, he dropped a couple tears from his eyes, but nothing like me.....I completely lost it.  My shirt was soaking wet from my tears, just from that couple minutes of crying.  I can't even explain how I was feeling....an overwhelming and unsurmountable amount of pain and sadness.  I'd had complications this whole pregnancy, but with my weekly check-ups and scans and hearing both little heartbeats and seeing them move around for the last like 3 months......it just seemed unreal.  They've been doing so good, growing and moving....even through all the bleeding.  I honestly didn't suspect anything was wrong.  Ova and I didn't say a word to each other all the way to the IMC hospital.  I just cried and he held my hand really tight. 

We got to the IMC hospital and they were already expecting us.  As soon as I told them my last name they were extremely nice and treated me with almost an "I'm so sorry for your loss" type of service.  We still had to sit in the waiting room for a while to be called back....and we sat in the corner away from everyone else.  I was still crying, hadn't let up at all one little bit since the first ultrasound tech told us the news.  Ova was still strong holding me hand really tight and rubbing my back. 

I think I prayed like a million times asking Heavenly Father to please bring my baby back to life.  The ultrasound at my Dr's office scanned the whole baby B and there for sure wasn't any heartbeat or movement....but I knew that if anyone could fix this it would be the Lord.  I begged and begged for a miracle.  We finally got called back into the room and the ultrasound tech did a quick scan.  She really didn't say one word to us at all.....it was completely quiet and we just watched the scan on the big screen that was in front of us.  As she went over baby B, there was still no heartbeat.  I really was dead.  She got up to leave and told us that she was going to take the images to the Dr to review and that the Dr would be in in a few minutes to go over the images with us and to answer any questions we had.

She left the room and the tears continued to roll down my face.  I looked over to Ova, who was sitting right next to me holding my hand, and tears were rolling down his face too.  We couldn't even talk to each other.  There was nothing to say.  He just kept telling me over and over that he loves me, and I would tell him right back.  That was it.  We cried in silence for the whole 20 minutes until the Dr came in and she basically told me exactly what the ultrasound tech at my Dr's office told me, that baby A was healthy and doing well, and that baby B had passed.  She asked if we had any questions, but we didn't at the time.  She started to scan me and take her own measurements.  She had both little heads right next to each other up on the screen.  It was obvious that baby B's head was a lot smaller.  The measurements showed that it's bones measured 16w4d, which means it's heart stopped about two weeks ago, when it was already 4 months old. 

I told the Dr. I had been bleeding pretty much my entire pregnancy, and was told I had a subchrionic hematoma, but that it was not affecting my babies at all.  I asked her to scan and see if she could see any more clots or bleeding.  She said there was absolutely nothing that was affecting baby A, but the hematoma  was probably the cause of my baby B's death.  Why? 

The Dr went on to tell me that they still needed to monitor me very closely just to make sure that the placenta from baby B doesn't take away any nutrients from baby A.  As long as it doesn't, baby A will continue to grow to full term.

This makes my 5th miscarriage.  The other 4 were in the first trimester, the time that's common for miscarriages, but this time it's just different.  My baby B was fully developed.  I'd heard it's heartbeat probably 20 times and I'd seen it moving and wiggling around for the past 3 months.  It's hard for me to accept that I lost my baby.  I've been crying since 9am yesterday morning....must have been crying in my sleep because when I woke up my pillow was wet around my eyes....and I woke up crying today.  It's just so hard.

When we left the IMC hospital, Ova finally broke down.  He kept apologizing to me that he couldn't keep it in any longer.  He was apologizing because he didn't know what to do to comfort me.  I told him he didn't have to comfort me, we were feeling and going through the same thing.  We just cried together pretty much all day.  I didn't want to talk to anyone....having to explain it over and over was too painful for me.  I just called my mom and asked her to tell everyone else.  Ova handled it a little different, he needed to talk about it so he called all his brothers.  I still feel like I want to hide from the world, I don't really want to talk to anybody....it's just still to painful for me.....the only person I want is Ova....even when he's sleeping or if we're not saying anything, having him next to me makes me feel so much better!

The Dr. told us that I'll carry Baby B until I deliver Baby A.  As baby A gets bigger and grows and develops, B will get pushed to the side, but it will still be there.  When I deliver, if we want, we can see it and even hold it.  It will be tiny, but it's fully developed....and that decision is up to us.  Ova wants to see it, I haven't decided yet....I just imagine it will be too painful.  I guess we still have a few months before we have to cross that bridge.

I am very blessed....I know this post sounds like a pity me session.....but I know I am very blessed.  I have 3 beautiful and healthy children and one of my babies is still alive and healthy.  I know that the Lord has a plan that we can't comprehend and I need to trust in him.  It's just hard. 

I will continue to take it easy for my precious baby A.  We weren't able to find out the sex of it because of everything that happened, but I need to not stress out, for it's sake.  I'm grateful that A is growing like it should and I just pray that everything from here on out will go smoothly.

It'll take me a few days to recover and accept the news we got yesterday, so if you've tried to call or text me, I really appreciate it and I'm sorry for not answering......I just need some time!

Teamwork!

So I've been watching a lot of that show Cake Boss lately and got all these ideas in my head........I wanted to try and make Makai's birthday/baptism cake for his special day....and even though I'd never ever worked with fondant before, I was excited and confident it would work out.  I solicited my sister-in-law Tina for her help....because she's taken a cake decorating class before and I needed her expertise!  All I can say is even though it took WAY longer than we thought it would......it turned out absolutely awesome, delicious and way better than I even imagined!  Tina and I sure make a good team!  :)  

My idea was to have a 3-tier cake.....the bottom layer decorated with church stuff, the middle layer Utah Utes (cause Makai is like the biggest Utah fan) and an 8 on the top.  Each tier would have two layers combined with filling.....and the whole thing would be decorated with fondant.  That was my vision of the cake.

It actually took us 3 days to make the cake.....the first day we baked the cakes and put them in the freezer to freeze.  Tina learned that technique from her cake decorating class....if you freeze the cake it will firm it up and make it easier to work with, and it will hold the moisture in so that by the time you eat it, it will be soft and moist.  We probably could have done the cake in 2 days, but our hours of operation didn't ever start until all the kids were sleeping.....because with her 5 and my 3, there were way too many little wanna-be helpers! haha  We usually started working at it at midnight, or even sometimes later......

Believe it or not, we actually made our own fondant......I've always heard that fondant was really hard to work with, but I was actually pleasantly surprised at how easy it was.  Tina had this recipe from her cake decorating teacher.....a recipe for homemade fondant.....all it called for was marshmellows, powdered sugar, corn syrup and a little lemon extract to help with the sweetness.  It took a lot of kneading....but it was pretty easy to make....we made a white batch and then made another batch that we colored for our decorations.  Once we had made all the fondant and kneaded it to the point that it stopped absorbing the powdered sugar, we put it in the fridge overnight.  By then, all the main stuff was ready....all we had to do was assemble it!

The next day we prepared everything we needed to put it together.  We decided to make chocolate cakes, and since there were 3 tiers with 2 layers each....we baked and froze all 6 cakes.  The filling that would hold the layers together was chocolate pudding and oreos......all covered with chocolate frosting and then the fondant......it was RICH and you needed milk or ice cream to help wash it down.

The putting it together was actually pretty easy....the hard part was the tedious little decorations.  We bought little exacto knives and we hand carved each and every little decoration we used.....with the help of some printouts from the internet.  We actually didn't finish the cake until like 930am....but now that we've done it we know different things we can do to speed up the process, just in case we decide to try this again....hahaha  Of course I took a lot of pictures of our work in progress.....it was our very first 3-tiered fondant covered cake and it turned out amazing if I do say so myself!  :)

My cake partner Tina

The cakes filled and stacked in their layers

All three tiers frosted and ready to be decorated

Bottom layer covered with our homemade white fondant

Bottom layer

Second layer (didn't cooperate with us as well as the white fondant did....I think we didn't use enough powdered sugar....it was still very moist....and once it dried on the cake, you could tell it was cracking!  Lesson learned to use more powered sugar!)

The tedious work of cutting out our decorations

Bottom Layer complete!

Second layer complete! 

I wanted the 8 to stand up on the top of the cake, so I used a technique I learned off of Cake Boss.....I made a batch of rice krispie treats and after it set I molded it into an 8 and covered it with blue fondant....super duper easy!!

Our finished masterpiece......we are SO happy with how it turned out!!

Not bad for being the first time we ever tried this....what can I say?  Tina and I make a good team!  :)

The Newest Member

of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.......my son, Semisi Folau Makai Fangupo!

This past Saturday was the special day and it couldn't have turned out more perfect.  We are very blessed to have big families that love and support us, and Makai's baptism was no different.  The service was so nice because everyone was there....all my siblings, all Ova's siblings....our parents, lots of the Aunty's and Uncles, cousins...and friends!  We had a ton of support and were totally feeling the love!

I'm the biggest crybaby, especially when it comes to anything spiritual....or to my kids....so with this mixing the both of them, it was pretty bad.  I was crying since that morning when I woke up.  Just overwhelmed with happiness that my oldest son is old enough to get baptized.  He grew up so fast! 

Our stake doesn't combine baptisms anymore so the program was all about Makai.  The bishop let us pick how his program would go and who would talk....and it was such a special day!  After Makai had his interview with the bishop last Sunday, we came home and I asked him who he wanted to have speak at his baptism.....of course he named all his cousins.....so I had to tell him he had to pick just two of them.  Makai loves his cousins, they are like his favorite people in the whole world, and so we decided to have all his first cousins on both sides, that have already been baptized....do the program.  There's just something about when kids talk and share their testimonies....it just brings the spirit so strong!  Here's how the program went:

Presiding:  Bishop Moungaloa

Conducting:  1st Counselor in Bishopric

Opening Prayer:  Glade Carr, Makai's Great-Grandpa

Opening song: "Teach me to walk in the Light"

Chorister:  Pita Kinikini

Talk on Baptism:  Jalen Gleaves

Musical Number: Alisi, Pisila & Timote Fangupo & Salote Kinikini

Baptismal Ordinance preformed by Makai's Dad, Ovaleni Fangupo

Spotlight: Makai's Mom, Monica Fangupo

Remarks:  Primary President

Talk on Holy Ghost:  Moses Fangupo

Confirmation Ordinance performed by Makai's Grandpa, President Makai

Remarks: Bishop Moungaloa

Testimony:  Makai Fangupo

Closing Song:  "I am a Child of God"

Closing Prayer: Makai's Grandma, Kesa Fangupo

The program was short and sweet and all 7 of his first cousins who have already been baptized were the ones that did the program and made it so special!

I'm so proud of my son....not only for making the decision to get baptized, but for really knowing and understanding what it meant for him. 

I can't believe it's been eight years since he was born.  As I was preparing to do his spotlight, I just kept smiling and crying thinking back on all the things that have happened in the past 8 years.  I sat down a few times and talked with Ova about different things I could say....everytime we tried to have that conversation I would start to cry.  We talked about how much Makai's birth changed our lives....about how when we brought him home from the hospital we sat in the parking lot of our apartment complex for the longest time just crying, both of us, because we were so happy he was finally here....and a little scared hoping we would be good parents.  Makai is such a great kid.  He's a good helper.  He loves school.  He's got a very strong spirit and a good head on his shoulders.  We sure are proud of him!  We love you Makai!

I got a little caught up in the emotion of the whole day, that I actually didn't get to take many pictures....which is totally not like me, but here are a few that I did snap.

Right after the baptism we headed over to the park to celebrate the Fangupo way, with a bbq!  We made the same food we sell at our food booths and OMG, it was the bomb!!  Teriyaki beef & teriyaki chicken with rice and mac salad....yum!  And my in-laws made some Tongan food, puaka tunu, ota ika....we had cheesy potatoes and even teri burgers.  Lots and lots of good food!  It was mostly Ova's family and a bunch of our friends that came to the park.....that Saturday was a busy day for most of my family so everyone except my mom, dad, grandpa Carr & Leka went their seperate ways after the baptism service....but it was all good!  We all got our grub on....had tons and tons of food....really good company....and a great time!  We always have a good time when the family gets together, especially at a park because the food is good.....the husbands play rugby against each other on the field....the kids run wild playing with each other and having the time of their lives.....and us wives just sit under the shade talking, watching our kids and husbands and enjoying each other's company.  Like I said at the beginning, this special day for Makai couldn't have turned out more perfect!

Big Steps

My oldest son turned 8 years old on July 16th.  I can't believe he's that old already!  He's actually been waiting for a long time for his 8th birthday and has been talking about getting baptized for a while now.  The other day we were driving around and I asked him "Makai, why do you want to get baptized?"  I just wanted to see what his reasons were and if he knew what it meant or why we get baptized.  After asking the question, he looked at me with a 'what do you mean mom' kind of look and he said "so all the bad things I do can go away and I can have the Holy Ghost."  I asked him "so, you don't want to get baptized just because all your older cousins are baptized?  He said "mom, I want to get baptized for me, because that's what Heavenly Father wants me to do."  I smiled big and of course cried just a little.

Makai honestly has been talking about this day probably since he was like 5 years old.  And that little conversation I had with him made me understand and realize that he really is ready and he understands the importance of this step he's going to be taking.

Makai has always been a good kid, since the day he was born I knew he was special.  I'm not just saying that because he's my son, but he just has a very unique, loving, giving, and very spiritual personality.  Sometimes when I'm at home and have nothing to do, I go back and look at some of the blog posts I've written over the years....I did that last night and I came over so many posts I've written about Makai, things he's done, the many many times he's showed his unwavering faith, and the many times he's strengthened mine.  Ova and I are blessed to have a son like him because sometimes when we struggle or fall short....he, our little 8 year old, is the one to set us straight and get us back on track.

This past Sunday Makai had his baptismal interview with the bishop.  The bishop asked him pretty much the same questions I asked him on our drive that day.  Makai was very confident with his answer and he knows why he's getting baptized.  The bishop asked him if he knew his articles of faith and asked him to recite the 4th one.  Makai did with no hesitation.  After the interview the bishop came up to me and all he said was that he had a good talk with Makai and that he's ready!

This Saturday is his big day.  August 6th, 2011 he'll enter the waters of baptism at 3:00pm, being baptized by his father.  What a special day for my little man, and for our entire family!  I've been choking back tears all week as I think about it.  I'm so proud of my son for making the decision on his own to get baptized, and for learning and knowing why it is so important!  He's had 7 older first cousins that have been such good examples to him, and now it's his turn to become a good example for his younger brother and sister and cousins.  I love you so much Makai!  :)

3rd Grade!

Makai started 3rd grade on July 26th.  This is the reason why I hate year-round school, because Makai only got a 3 week summer vacation.  His last day of 2nd grade wasn't until July 1st, and here we are three weeks later starting school again.

His first day of school was actually pretty crazy, I switched tracks for him so he could be a little more close to the traditional schedule, so I wasn't 100% sure what day school was starting for him.  We went down to my parent's house in Lake Shore on the 25th of July (that post is next) to celebrate the holiday since the 24th actually fell on a Sunday....since Ova works graves, in Orem, we decided that me and the kids would sleep at my parent's house so Ova could drive to work and then my mom would drop me and the kids off at Ova's work at 730 in the morning when he got off so we could all go home together. 

So as we're all sleeping I get a call from Ova at like 5 in the morning.....the only thing he said was "sorry babe, I locked the keys in the van".....uugghh, that meant I had to get up and look around for a reasonably priced locksmith to meet me at Ova's work at 7 in the morning.  I couldn't really go to sleep after that because I was freakin' out about it, but after calling several different 24 hour locksmith's and hearing the prices anywhere from like $50-$80, I finally found a privately owned company that would do it for only $30.  I gave him the address to meet me there and he actually got there before we did and already had the van opened when we got there!  Best service ever!

On the drive home, when we hit West Jordan....we hit a lot of 20mph school zones that were blinking and a lot of kids walking to school.  I looked at Ova and asked if Makai was supposed to start school that day.  He didn't know either so I called his school.  It was like 8:10am.  The school informed us that yes indeed, Makai started school that day and that school starts at 8:30am.  OMG, that meant he had 20 minutes to get home and get ready and get back to school.  Good thing the school is right by our house....and he had already taken a shower at my mom's house...because seriously as soon as we pulled into the yard I had him run into the house and brush his teeth and change while I got his backpack ready and we were out the door.  Not exactly the best way to start the first day of school.....hahaha  I just wish our district would go to traditional.....I just can't get used to this year-round stuff.

Anyways, I can't believe he's in 3rd grade already.....he's growing up way too fast!  I actually remember when I was in 3rd grade, I think that's the first grade that I actually remember.  I remember my teacher was Mrs. Casperson and that I learned how to write in cursive and I learned my times tables.  I can't believe he's that old already.

Makai loves school so far.  I'm really glad he's not too shy because with this new track change he didn't know anybody, he had to meet all new people and make new friends.  He's loving it thought and I'm really happy about that!  This is the first time he's ever had a male teacher, Mr. Anderson....and everyday he comes home and tells me how awesome his teacher is.  I does make a huge difference when they have a teacher they like that helps them learn what they need to learn.

Well, there's Makai's start to 3rd grade.....it was a rocky start, but he jumped right in and is loving it!  And because it happened so quickly, his crybaby mom didn't get to cry when I dropped him off.....hahaha!!