"Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grand-children and others throughout the generations. Remember, the Savior chastised those who failed to record important events." --President Spencer W. Kimball

July 13, 2011

So scared

Friday and Saturday I spent my day at the park watching rugby.  I did nothing all day except sit and watch.  No heavy lifting, not even to pick up Lautala.  The only thing I did really was walk from the van to the spot on the grass we were sitting on.  That was it.

Sunday morning I woke up to get ready for church but did not feel well at all.  I was super surprised at that because I had been feeling great all week and I thought I was finally going to be past that stage......Sunday morning it was all back.  I ended up getting my boys ready and sending them to church with Tea and I tried to go back to sleep.  Lautala stayed home with me because she was still sleeping when everyone was ready and leaving for church.  Of course she woke up right when I tried to lay back down.....so I had to get up and make her breakfast and change her.  I made myself a little bed on the couch and turned on cartoons to keep her entertained.....I felt like crap.

She was actually pretty good for me, which was so nice......that is until everyone came home from church and then she was being her wild and crazy self!  I didn't mind that she act like that then because everyone was home to watch and keep her entertained.  As soon as everyone came back home I went back to my room to lay down.  I slept pretty much that whole entire day.  At 8 o'clock (I got up and looked at the clock) I went to the bathroom.  I felt a little cramp and when I stood up and looked in the toilet there was a HUGE blood clot in the bottom of the toilet.  I freaked out.  There was no blood in the toilet, just the clot in the bottom.  I cried and cried and called Ova to come.  He wanted to rush me to the emergency room, but I knew they would just do all the same stuff as before so I called the on-call Dr at my Dr's office.  Luckily it was my Dr that was on call.  I was crying as I was talking to him and explaining what had happened.  He asked me if I'd been doing anything strenuous to cause the bleeding.....No, I'd been laying down all day long....he told me that since I hadn't bled all day, that was the first time.....he wanted me to wait and go to his office for an ultrasound the next day.  He told me to watch the bleeding and if it continued or got heavy, to just go to the emergency room.  I think I cried the whole rest of that night.  I thought I was done with this, what was going on?  I had consistently felt at least one of the babies move all week, but for the past couple days I don't remember feeling anything.  I was so scared.  That night I bled some more....it was the same blood as the first time I bled, that runny brown-red blood and there were no more clots after that first one.  It was enough that I had to wear a pad, and that scared the heck out of me.

The next day my appointment was set for 2pm......that day took forever, because all I wanted to do was go to the Dr and see what was going on.  The last appointment I had with him he told me that everything was fine and that the bleeding wasn't anywhere near my babies so I didn't need to worry.  He told me that I shouldn't bleed anymore.  So why was I still bleeding?

I got to the Dr. and he could tell I was a little shaken up.  I couldn't do a urine sample for them because of the blood, and I lost 3 more pounds.  The Dr. came into the room and asked me what was going on.  He seemed concerned.  He told me to get on the table so he could try and hear their heartbeats.  He tried and tried for a while but was only able to hear one.  I was totally and completely freaking out and crying.  He told me to hold on and he went out of the room for a minute.  He came back in and told me that his ultrasound tech was actually free for a minute and he wanted me to get an ultrasound to see if they could see where the bleeding was coming from and to hear the other baby's heartbeat. 

In the ultrasound room the tech first checked to make sure both babies were there and still alive.  Thankfully they were.  They were moving and their hearts were beating, but I could tell that something was wrong.  She said for some reason she couldn't see clearly and she needed to call the Dr in to take a look with her.  My Dr came in and looked for a minute and then he went and got another Dr to come and look.  All three of them stepped out into the hall and talked for a minute.  They left the door cracked open so I could hear them talking, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. 

Then my Dr. walks back into the room and tells me that I have a subchrionic hematoma that was hemmoraging and my uterus was full of blood.  He told me that it happens in 20-25% of pregnancies and MOST of them go on to have normal healthy babies.  Most sounded better than few, but it still didn't comfort me.  He filled out some paperwork and faxed it to my work and requested that I be on FMLA leave until further notice.  And I have to see him every week.   I asked him if my going to the rugby field the two previous days had anything to do with this and he said no, that it's something that's been going on for a while and it was bound to come out.  He told me that I had to take it really easy, lay down a lot, don't lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk, and to let him know if my bleeding continued.  I am so scared.

I came home and did some research on subchrionic hematoma, basically when the egg and sperm were implanting on the uterus wall, there was a pocket of blood that came between them.  The hope is that my body will absorb the blood clot, or pass it....the fear is that it will continue to grow.  If the blood clot gets bigger than the baby or babies, I'll lose them.  There is no surgery or really anything I can do to get rid of it....it's just something my body has to do on it's own.  This is where I turn to the Lord more than ever.

I've been praying and begging him for my body to absorb this thing that is threatening my babies lives.  I received a blessing from my husband the first time I bled and my father-in-law came and gave me a blessing this time.  I know the power of the priesthood is strong and with faith can work miracles.  But I'm also aware that this is God's timing and whatever he wants to happen, will happen.

I'm scared every single day.  Every time I go to the bathroom.  Everytime I feel weird in my stomach.  But at the same time I feel ok.  I haven't bled at all since Monday morning.....not even a little bit since I got the blessing.  I'm trying to stay optomistic and hopeful and trying to do everything I need to so the Lord will answer my prayers and bless me with these miracles.  Please pray for me and my babies!

In the meantime, I feel extremely useless and extremely greatful.  Useless because I can't do anything, not even lift my own daughter.  Greatful because I have so many people around who help me out more than I could have ever expected. 

Please babies, be ok.  I'm praying for you both every minute of every day!



aww Monica, that is so heart wrenching. I got so teary eyed reading this. I hope and pray things will get better for you, and that your body will absorb this blood clot! Take it easy and trust in your blessing! Much love :)

Kassie said...

Praying for you and babies EVERYDAY!! Let me know if I can do anything..bring dinner etc.. Love ya Monica.. hang in there..

Tina Tuakoi said...

Thinking of you Monica. We'll continue to pray for you and your babies. :)

shaunita said...

How scary! I'm so sorry you are having to deal with so many difficulties this pregnancy, but like you said, you are lucky to have so many wonderful people to help out. Our prayers are with you!

Melissa said...

Oh Monica, I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that all will go well for you and for your babies. It is in God's hands and all you can do is pray and trust he knows best. I know that is easier said than done but I hope you are comforted and that this will past fast.
I love ya! Hang in there. I will keep reading for further updates. You will be ok!!!!!

Tema Tevita Hola said...

Sorry to hear that monica... that's hard! Im sure everything will be all good... I actually have a sister and law who has the same thing as u and its also happened to her before and everything has been totally fine for her! Take care girl!

Aki said...

Been thinkin' about ya chicka...you and your babies are in my prayers. Take it easy & get some rest and continue to trust Him. Luv ya =)



Monika said...

OMG!! Monica I'm sooo excited for you and your adorable family!! Congrats on your twinkies...wow!! Don't worry so much....the doc sounds like he knows what he's doing! Enjoy this beautiful chapter in your life. Love ya FANGUPO family!!

Tiff and Kyle said...

Schweetie! I was wondering why I hadn't seen you at work lately. I will keep you in my prayers. Please try not to worry so much. The Lord will take care of you and babies!

Nick and Sheena said...

Praying for you and the babies Monica!! Take it easy and let us know if there's anything we can do.. Love ya!