"Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grand-children and others throughout the generations. Remember, the Savior chastised those who failed to record important events." --President Spencer W. Kimball

October 3, 2011

Life changes in a moment...

Who would have known that within a half hour of my last blog post, our whole entire lives would change.
I've had so much to blog about....so much has happened in the past week....but I haven't had the energy or will power or anything to sit and write.  I know if I don't I'll regret it and I don't want to forget anything that has happened.

On September 26th, I started having little cramps....they were continuous and consistant, but they weren't that strong.  Ova wasn't with me at that moment because I made him leave.  He's wonderful and had been with me 24-7 since I was admitted to the hospital so I made him leave and take a break.  I wanted him to take Tea to dinner, just to thank her for everything she's done for us....she's really stepped up and helped us so much with our older three.  I'd been fine for the past two weeks that I'd been in the hospital, except for the small contractions I had on Saturday and Sunday night....but they were small and eventually went away on their own.  These ones started out like the ones from the other nights....but they lasted longer.  I didn't want to ruin Ova's dinner so I didn't call him.  I just tried to lay down and rest and hope they would go away.  All the sudden I felt this huge gush and I ran to the bathroom....it was the same type of blood (consistancy and amount) that brought me into the hospital in the first place.  I pushed the nurse call button and had her come in to see it.  She immediately called the Dr's to come and see it.  There were two doctors that came and they went into the bathroom to see all the blood.  They stayed in there for a good 5 minutes just talking...I couldn't hear what they were saying but I knew they were really worried.  They told me they were going to put me on the monitor and if there was anything that worried them, they'd probably take me back down to labor and delivery.  I was on the monitor for about a half an hour and they were picking up the contractions which were consistantly 2 1/2 minutes apart.  I could totally feel the tightening, but they were anything I couldn't handle.  The monitor also picked up that everytime I would have a contraction, my baby's heart would drop way down.....the Dr's didn't like that.  They came back into my room and told me they were going to take me down to labor and delivery.  At that point I called Ova and luckily they were just pulling in the hospital parking lot.  I told him to come straight to labor and delivery because I was having contractions.....obviously not the news he wanted to hear.  My little brother Misi and his wife had come to visit me and I felt bad because they were there through the worst of it.  I was hooked up to the monitor and my contractions were getting stronger and stronger.  I told Ova to call my sisters and my mom to let them know that I probably was having the baby that day.  It's weird how calm I was on the Monday they admitted me to the hospital, but I had a feeling that that day was the day....even though it was too early!  Ova asked me if I thought I was having the baby and I told him yes....I could see the worry in his face when I said that.  The nurse checked me and said I hadn't dialated any more than the 2 I did the Monday I was admitted.  That was good that even with all the contractions, I wasn't dialating.  The nurse told me that the contractions I was feeling was a result of uterine irritation from all the blood.  But the contractions continued to get worse and worse.  They went from 2 1/2 minutes to 1 minute and the pain got worse and worse.  At first I was just feeling tightening in my lower abdomen, but as it progressed it spread from my lower abdomen, to my whole entire abdomen to my lower back....it was almost too much to take.  I asked the nurse for some pain medicine, but whatever she gave me didn't even work...it made my head spin for like 5 minutes and then it wore off and all I could feel was the pain.  After a little while the specialist Dr came in to check on me.  I swear I almost broke the bars on the side of the bed with how hard I was grabbing and pushing on them when the contractions would come.  I explained to the specialist what I was feeling and he wasn't really buying the story that the contractions were a result of uterine irritation....not with how close, strong and consistant they were.  He checked me and I was dialated to a 6 1/2.....in that short hour I was in the labor and delivery, I had dialated to a 6 1/2.  The specialist was Dr. Richards and he was awesome!  He sat on my bed and rubbed my leg and said he was sorry but it looked like she was coming out that day.  I just started crying, even though I knew it was going to happen.  He requested the nurse to bring in an ultrasound machine, he just wanted to check.  As he was scanning he paused for a minute.  I couldn't see the machince from where I was laying, but he showed Ova and Marie and Misi what he saw.  There was a huge blood clot in between the placenta and my uterus wall.  He showed them that that was where the blood was coming from and that if that blood clot came out, it would tear the placenta away which would cut off the oxygen to my baby and she would die.  He made the decision right then that we were going into have an emergency C-section....and seriously within 3 minutes of him making the decision I was in the operating room.  I was scared to death and worried that Ova wouldn't be there with me.  They said because of the circumstances they might have to put me all the way under instead of just doing a spinal block.  If they put me under, he couldn't go in with me.  I was crying and there was a really nice nurse that was trying to comfort me, but I didn't want her....I just wanted Ova.  They wheeled me into the operating room and Dr. Richards asked the anesthesiologist what his thoughts were on a spinal block or putting me out...he said he would rather do a spinal block and I was so happy....Ova was in the room right by my side within minutes.  The C-section surgery started and it took so much longer than usual....just because of the position my baby was in, plus they were being super careful because of all the blood.  C-Sections usually only take like 30 minutes, but mine lasted almost 2 hours.  It was so long that the spinal block started to wear off enough that I felt severe tugging and pulling, but not the pain (thank goodness)  Usually with C-Sections they make a small lateral incision at the bottom of the uterus....but because my baby was so low, they made a vertical incision at the top of my uterus.  That probably explains why I'm having such a hard time healing :(

Baby Kalolaine Katea Fangupo was born on 9/26/2011 at 11:09pm.  She weighed 1lb.12oz.  She's beautiful and absolutely perfect in every way.  My heart is so full, I love her so much!
They rushed her away so quickly that we didn't even get to see her, and her skin and body is so small and fragile that they couldn't even measure her length because they didn't want to put too much stress on her little body.  They rushed her back to the NICU where they put her on a breathing machine and hooked her up to all these wires and tubes that will help her survive and grow.

The C-section surgery continued after they took my baby Tea away.....and they pulled out my other twin.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to see her or not, but I'm really glad I did.  She was actually a lot bigger than I thought she'd be and she was completely developed.  She had ten little fingers and ten little toes, she had eyes and ears, and the little umbilical cord.  I remember seeing her, but I was so drugged from the surgery that I didn't even cry......I'm totally making up for it now though.  The nurse put her in a little blanket and brought her back to the labor and delivery room where I was brought to recover.  My mom, sisters and brother were there and Tea was there with my kids.  They all got to see my little baby girl, everyone was crying....I remember being completely out of it, but I saw all the tears flowing from everyone.  Ova took a lot of pictures for me, I'm grateful for that.  I've always wanted to bury her, and so Ova asked the nurse if we could take her.  She told us that they would prefer to take her to do some testing to see what caused her death, and they would cremate her.  If I wasn't so out of it I would have lost it, but I didn't react at all.  They brought her little body over to my bed so I could see her one last time before they took her and all I remember was telling her that I loved her.  Then she was gone.

After a short while in the recovery room they wheeled my bed into the NICU.  I was happy they did that, it's nice that they allow the mother's that opportunity.  The bed was lower than the incubater that she was in so I didn't really get to see her.  Plus I wasn't feeling to well.  Ova got to see her....this was the first picture of him seeing her....she's so tiny....I love this picture.

She's my little miracle baby....and she amazes me every single day.  Every day Ova and I visit her we just sit and stare at her and are amazed at the fight this little girl has.  She is amazing.  She's my little hero.

I stayed at the hospital for only 4 days and they let me go home.  That day was bittersweet.  I was happy to finally be leaving the hospital and to be going to my other kids but I had the hardest time leaving my baby Tea in there.  I know she's in good hands and there's no place better for her to be, but it's hard leaving her.

The day I was leaving I had to fill out all the papers for baby Tea's birth certificate and things....the birth certificate lady came in to talk to me and I broke down with her.  I really wanted to have Katea's birth certificate say that she's a twin.  At first they told me no that they couldn't do that because my other baby passed before the 20 week mark, but after she started asking me questions and found out that I delievered them both at the same time....she said yes, and she filled out the birth certificate with her twin sister's name on it.

Just then the nurse from labor and delivery came in and asked me what I wanted to do with my baby B.  I was confused and didn't know what she was talking about.  As far as I knew I didn't have a choice but to let the hospital dispose of her.  The nurse said no, that either way I had to sign papers, and that if I wanted to take her, I could.  I lost it....honestly, that was the best news I could have gotten.  I saw my little baby, her little body was so small, but so perfect....I would have always wondered about her....but I told the nurse I wanted her.  I wanted to lay her little body to rest in a place where we can go visit her and take her twin sister to visit her when she gets older.  I signed the papers and she gave me a list of all the mortuarys.  We started making calls and within an hour the mortuary was downstairs to pick up my baby's little body.  We named her Cindy Ki Hevani Fangupo.  Cindy after my mom, Ki heavani means to heaven in Tongan.....I'm so happy that we get to lay her to rest.  The day I got discharged from the hospital we went and met with the mortuary....we picked out her little casket and the plot where she'll be buried.  That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to plan a funeral of one of my kids.  I know it's not the same as losing a child you've had a chance to raise, but still, she is my child....and I carried her and saw her heart-beating and her hands and feet kicking for months.  Everytime they would ask me a question about what I wanted for my daughter's funeral, I would break down and cry for several minutes before I could even answer.  They were very nice and compassionate and I was grateful for that.  We got everything set and planned and her funeral service will be tomorrow 10/3/2011 at 1:00pm at the mortuary on Redwood Road.  I've been having a really hard time coping and dealing with everything, I really hope and pray that after the services tomorrow I'll be able to find peace and comfort.  Even through everything I know I am blessed and I'm grateful that my family is eternal and we will all be together as a family someday......and we are so blessed to have a little guardian angel who will always watch over us.


Kalani said...

Love you guys Monica. Your little family, and especially you and your baby girl, are in our prayers.

Kassie said...

Love you Mon..

Monika said...

You are such a WARRIOR!!! Your family is so lucky to have such a strong, noble, and valiant mommy! Wish we lived closer....hugs and prayers with you always esp today!! Love you tons Mon!


OMG Monica what a beautiful beautiful post. I am crying reading the ending part. I'm so glad you decided to bury her, I'm sure Tea will want to visit her twin. So sweet, Tea is a fighter and I know she will be ok and come out victorious!! Much love to your family. We love u guys, and we'll see u later at the funeral :)

Melissa said...

Wow, I have been where you are now. Congratulations on your little fighter! She is sooo tiny and so beautiful. What an experience this is for you and for you family.
I am so happy that you decided to see Cindy. I remember when it happened to us. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I didn't hold, rock and sing to our daughter who passed away. You will be so grateful and happy that you decided to give her a proper burial. Now you will have a place to go and visit her. We feel the same way. Only problem is, our baby was laid to rest in Arizona and we are in Idaho now. But when we go there we visit her and take our children too. It helps them to know that she was real and that gives them something to see and experience.
We went to plan for a funeral the day we left the hospital too. You are right, it is never easy planning your own child's funeral. It will be an experience you will never forget. The wound is still kind of tender after almost 8 years but because we know what happens to us after death we will be reunited again. That is what gives up the hope and the will to go on.
You are in my prayers and I will be thinking of you today! I love you!! Best wishes!

Crystal said...

Oh Monica! This just made me cry. What a bittersweet experience. I'm glad they let you choose how to care for baby Cindy's body. I wish I could be there to support and help you all. Love lots, Crystal

Sheena Tuakoi said...

We are so sorry for you loss!! You ended up delivering the night before we were going to come up and visit. We decided just to give you your family time, cause we couldn't imagine what you were going through. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your little family. And that we are rooting for little Tea, every step of the way!! We love you guys!

sWeEt said...

love you guys monica!!!! Wish I read your blog earlier and came to the funeral but I'm sure everything was great for your beautiful little babygirl!!!
Love u guys!

Tina Tuakoi said...

I can't imagine what you and Ova are going through at this time, but we are so sorry for the loss of your baby Cindy. I'm sure you find comfort in knowing that you will one day be with her again:) Baby Tea is a little beauty, and the definition of a miracle! Know that you and your family, are in our prayers. We will continually pray for your little miracle baby Tea. We love you guys!

Brian N Sela Misinale said...

Praying for your family 2 have comfort! Luv you and your family!

a. victoria said...

Hi Mrs. Fangupo! I hope you dont mind my post I came across your blog through another fellow blogger. May God bless you and your beautiful family...as a preemie baby myself (born at 29 wks, I am now 26 yrs old) I get emmotional seeing your little one's photos. I made it and I have total faith that she will too, she's such a fighter already :) May your precious daughter and her sweet sister rest & rejoice in Heavenly Father's presence...so glad to know and be assured that families are forever.