"Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grand-children and others throughout the generations. Remember, the Savior chastised those who failed to record important events." --President Spencer W. Kimball

October 22, 2011

Heartless


So I took my kids out for a night of fun and I ran into a family member that I hadn't seen for a while.  He came up to me and this is how the conversation went:

Him:  Hey Monica, sorry that we didn't come to your baby's funeral...we didn't hear about it until the day of

Me:  Oh it's ok, don't even worry about it...everything happened so quickly

Him:  Was the funeral for the baby that already died?

Me:  Yes

Him:  Yeah, that's what I thought.  (Then with a rather disgusted face) Why did you spend money on a funeral if you already knew it was dead before it was born? 

A million things are running through my mind at this point.... shock at the words that just came out of his mouth, extreme hurt and then severe anger.  I wanted to punch him and it honestly took everything in me to not break down and cry right there.  I couldn't believe how ignorant he was...and that he had the odacity to ask me that question right to my face in a voice that was totally non-chalant like it was no big deal.

Me:  Because she was my daughter and she had a fully developed body...and we wanted to lay her little body to rest

Him:  (pointing to my stomach) well, at least you still have one baby right?

Me:  Yes, she's in the hospital....she'll be there until January....I had her when I was 6 months pregnant so she's really small and only weighed 1 pound when she was born.

Him:  Oh, you already had her?  That's good.....(then he walks off)

I stood there for a little bit pondering on what just happened.  I was so hurt.  His non-chalant demeanor and attitude made me so sad.....yet so angry.  How dare he make light the pain I felt losing my daughter.  How dare he question our decision to lay her little body to rest.  How dare he make me feel like my baby Cindy wasn't important and didn't need the service she got.  How dare he.  How dare he act like she wasn't important or wasn't a person, just because she passed on before she was born.  What about the months she was alive in me?  What about the months that we heard her little heart-beat and saw her moving her legs and arms and wiggling around?  How dare he.  With my baby Cindy I felt like I had to go through her death twice.  When we found out that we lost her it was so hard.  I cried for weeks...I didn't eat anything...I would say I went through a little depression....but after a few weeks, I was able to finally accept it.   When I delivered her little body, all those wounds and the pain and loss I felt were re-opened.  I had to deal with it all over again.  It's been almost a month and I just recently stopped crying....just to have a family member, someone who is supposed to support and be there for you in your hardest and darkest times, make the pain even worse.  How dare he.

I came home and told Ova about what happened.  Of course he was so upset.  He hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder for a long time.  He tried to comfort me and told me not to worry about that family member, that we don't need him.   Ova's right, we don't need people like that....but he's family, and whenever we run into him from now on I'm gonna think of this conversation and how he made me hurt so bad. 

Baby Cindy, I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry that some people don't understand.  I'm sorry that some people are so heartless....but just like daddy said, they don't matter.  All that matters is that mommy and daddy love you so so much, and even though you were only here for such a short time...and we never got to hold or kiss you, you were very much a part of us and our lives and we will never forget that! We know that we will get to be with you and hold you and kiss you someday....and we know you're our little guardian angel and you're always in our hearts and minds.  We love you our sweet baby Cindy! 

And so this is what I really need to remember:

9 comments:

Sinai said...

You are right, you don't need people like that in your life. All they do is bring you down. I love you and your little family.

Kalani said...

Oh, Monica, I'm so, so, so sorry that happened. As if you haven't already been through so much...HOW DARE HE. i'm furious and heartbroken for you! You have a wise husband, and you're so lucky to have him! I've thought so much about you and your little family lately, and I hope you know that you have more people than you can imagine pulling for you and praying for you right now. Finau sends his love to Ova. We love you guys.

Kassie said...

I'm so sorry you went through that! People can be so mean and I'm surprised you didn't punch him in the face :) love you and your family!

celestialdragonfly13 said...

I want you to know how much I admire your courage and strength during the difficult trials you've faced. I've grown to love your family for their example of enduring and support especially your sweet husband! While I can't imagine losing a baby such as you I do share the understanding of loss of a daughter, and through that found out that many people just don't think about how their words can affect you. It really wasn't until losing our dear sweet daughter that some of the things we would normally say, my husband and I we would find ourselves stopping mid-sentence both thinking that OH that's not so funny any more, or that just doesn't sound right. Through our loss we learned things that others will never understand no matter how hard they try. It is through these experiences we grow and gain new understanding of the atonement and how Christ really can succor us because HE KNOWS! our pain. Just as the other mothers who were there with you on the day of your sweet dear little daughters funeral, they can comfort you such as no other because they understand your pain! I pray for you, and have placed your name in the St. Louis Temple each time I've gone lately. I know it's the prayers of others that help. I wanted to suggest a book that I found helpful and it's called Grieving the Pain and the Promise, it's written by Deanna Edwards and can usually be found at Deseret Book. It helped me to better understand the grieving process and also helped me to know how to deal with people who just "DON'T GET IT!" We received a poem that came to mean a lot to us it's called The Waterbug...


I'm sorry this is so long, but anyway...I make the most pretty little dragonfly bracelets I would love to send one to you and your little girl along with another book that I love called The Message....I would need to know what color you would like and an address to send it to. My # is 801-243-7066 that is my cell so it's not long distance...if you're interested. or you could I guess message me on here...I think anyway...or my email is eternaldragonflies@hotmail.com
Hugs and Prayers a sister in Faith,
D

celestialdragonfly13 said...

The Water Bug Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another, "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she's going?" Up, up, up it slowly went... Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another... " Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third... No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise" they said solemnly.

One spring day not long after the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen into the broad and free lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come over his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings... The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from his new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself above the water.

He had become a dragonfly. Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere.

By and by the new dragonfly landed happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

Then the dragonfly remembered the promise. without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air...

IONGI FAMILY said...

I love you Mon, they don't matter!!! take care

Melissa said...

So sorry that you had to face that. He was pretty rude and that is not the kind of people that help lift you up either.
I hope that your little girl is doing well. What is the update with her?
I am sure you are so thankful that you laid little Cindy down to rest in a place that you and your family can go and remember her. To each their own and no one can understand the hurt and pain that you go through until they face it also.
I have been thinking about you! Love ya!

shaunita said...

Hopefully your relative didn't mean to be unkind. He probably was just oblivious to the impact his words had. We should all consider more carefully what we say before we say it.

Anyway, your grief is your own, and no one can tell you how should or shouldn't deal with it. I still pray for you and your family. May you find a measure of comfort even during this time of sorrow.

lollo said...

Am so sory mon,evrthn z gona be olryt so don't wory..