And again...

Before I start this post, I want to put a disclaimer out there.....this blog is for me, it's a way for me to keep track of all the things that go on with my life and my family....even though sometimes they may be bad.  I do it as a journal so I can look back and remember things I would otherwise forget if I didn't write them down.  I don't do it for pity from others or for any other reason.  I have friends and family who genuinely care about me and who like to read what's going on with us.  The reason for this little disclaimer is because I got an anonymous email from someone who is so disgusted with the things I've been blogging about, telling me that I didn't need to share so much disgusting and graphic information.  They told me that nobody cares and that I should keep my blog private so others don't have to be bothered with my "problems".  Honestly when I frist read the email, I cried.  I questioned whether I really should block it or not, or if the content of what I was writing wasn't appropriate.  Well, I came to the conclusion, that whoever doesn't want to know about me or what's going on, doesn't have to read my blog.  I don't do it for you, so if you don't like it....don't read it! >:[  So annoying!

I haven't blogged for a couple days now, and even though I'm on bedrest and don't do anything, I have a few things to blog about. 

Ova works graves and usually doesn't get home until like 830am.  He's always so tired after working that he usually comes straight home and sleeps.  Friday morning was a little different.  I'm used to him walking into the room and giving me a kiss right when he gets home...I guess I subconsiously wake myself up just waiting for it.  Friday morning I woke up and just felt like something was off.  I looked at the clock and it was already past 9am.  Ova wasn't home, or at least he hadn't come to give me my good morning kiss.  I got up to go see if he was home yet and there he was, standing in the kitchen, in his uniform from work...so tired from just working his grave yard shift....making me breakfast.  I'm not just talking a small breakfast, he went all out. 

He made my favorite omelet with spinach, mushrooms and cheese....he made hash browns, french toast, bacon....the works!  He's so sweet and put the biggest smile on my face, even though I felt so bad because I knew he was so tired.  He sat down and ate with me and we talked for a little bit.  I really haven't had much of an appetite lately...pretty much since we found out our baby died....the Dr's told me it was part of my mourning process....I just couldn't believe how I just wasn't hungry, and could go all day without eating anything, or even drinking anything.  He told me that he needed to make sure I ate...not only for me but for our baby A.  I needed to have energy, and hopefully it would help my dizzyness.  He's the best, and I'm so grateful every day for him!  After not eating for a while, I think my stomach shrunk....I couldn't eat all the food he made for me.  I ate what I could and then woke up my food disposal, Filimone to come and finish it!  haha  It was delicious! 

Saturday was a bad day, I bled more frequently and heavier and had more cramping.  The counseler we saw when we went to the maternal fetal medicine counselor said that I didn't need to worry unless the bleeding became more, or bright red, or if I continued cramping.  All those things were happening to me and I was scared.  Ova was gone pretty much the whole day because one of his little cousin's got sealed to his family that day and he was there to support.  I didn't want to worry or freak him out so I didn't call and tell him.  I just prayed and tried to sleep as much as I could.  He got home that night and I told him what went on.  The cramping wasn't as bad that night as it was during the day so I just tried to sleep it off.  This morning (Sunday morning) it happened all over again.  The counselor we saw this past Tuesday was actually a perinatologist (pre-natal specialist) and he told me brown-red blood was ok because it meant it was old...if it went red or bright red, that was bad because it meant fresh blood, which could mean a lot of things including the tear in the placenta getting bigger.  I was freaked out.  Sunday morning I asked Ova to take me to the ER.  And that is where we spent all morning again.  I can't believe how many times I've been to the hospital or to the ER, or to my Dr's office just during this pregnancy....sad to say I'm becoming a regular.  All I really wanted to know was that my baby A was ok.  That was the thing I was freaking out about the most.  If my baby was ok, I didn't really care about all the bleeding or cramping.  They again did tons of blood tests, gave me an IV, did another pelvic exam....all the same annoying stuff, with the same results.  The thing that comforted me the most was hearing her heart beating on the heart monitor.  That honestly has become the most comforting sound in the world to me, and I really wish I had my own heart monitor at home.  Baby A is still doing good, which I am so happy about.  The Dr's told me the same thing that I've heard a million times....that I'm bleeding, there's really nothing we can do about it, but I needed to stay on bedrest....so we continue this boring and lonely bedrest I've been on for so long now.  I will do whatever I have to to make sure my baby is ok!  I'm officially 20 weeks as of Saturday....which means half way there.  They tell me that if I can hold her in until at least 6 months, IF she were to come come, she would have a chance of surviving.....but IF she came out before that, it would be unlikely.  Hopefully I can keep her in and growing until she's due, but worse case scenerio....please at least 4 or 5 more weeks!